


Fire At Will

by DesertMoon



Series: Failure By Design [1]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Best Friends, Coming Out, Eventual Smut, Friends to Lovers, Gay Panic, Homophobia, M/M, Religious Conflict, Unrequited Love, at first...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-08-24
Packaged: 2018-04-10 04:34:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4377377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesertMoon/pseuds/DesertMoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being in love with your straight best friend is the fucking worst. </p><p>Except very, very rarely, when your straight best friend isn't straight and is very into you, too.</p><p>[Prequal to 'Bulletproof']</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love Blows

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wolfy_P_Smith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfy_P_Smith/gifts).



> ^^ for making this series fun to write & for awesome comments throughout keeping my enthusiasm up, which is no small feat. Thank you xo
> 
> ***  
>  **DISCLAIMER** : This piece of writing does not contain any factual information. These characters are entirely fictional and I make no attempt to represent any real people. I ask that readers have respect for our community; please do not share this work where it won't be welcome. Should this work offend or upset, please contact me. I will happily and immediately discuss, or simply take it down.  
> ***

It was raining again when Gerard got home. He sat in his driveway staring at the steering wheel. The radio blared, crackling as the storm began to interfere with its reception. Gerard still hadn't moved when his mother opened the front door and waved in the direction of the car. He heaved a sigh and finally killed the engine.

"Mom." shouted Mikey as Gerard trudged into the house. "Oh, hey, Gee." He stumbled to a stop on the bottom step. Gerard nodded in greeting, letting Mikey dodge past him into the kitchen before he continued straight down the hall to the basement door. 

"Honey- Oh, Mikey, don't run in the house please, sweetheart- Gee, honey?" Gerard didn't even need to turn around to know that his mother would be peering around the kitchen door, spatula in hand. 

"I'll be right back." Mrs. Way pursed her lips as she watched her son disappear into the basement. 

"There's something up with that brother of yours." she muttered to Mikey as she returned to the stove, but Mikey was too engrossed in his box of cereal to pay any attention. "Michael we're about to eat dinner, put that down!" 

***

Gerard ate his food quickly and returned to his room as fast as physically possible. He checked his phone and sighed when all he saw was a text from Bob. He switched it off and threw it onto his bed. After Monday he'd been sure his week wouldn't get any worse. How wrong he'd been. Five days later he was sitting alone in his room with the same mental struggle he'd been fighting for a month now, and an arm full of bruises to boot.

Those movies about falling in love with your best friend never do justice to the excruciating, soul sucking pain of it. Plus, they always seemed to have happy endings and obscure comedic twists. Gerard knew that this was not a fate he would be blessed with. Nope. He was doomed to an eternity of so-close-yet-so-far. With absolutely no comic relief. Ever.

He span himself around in his desk chair until he felt sick, and then flopped onto the bed, ready for an evening of feeling thoroughly sorry for himself.

In fairness, it wasn't always this bad. Most days he could deal with it, or at least distract himself. The one upside of an unrelenting crush on your best friend, is that you usually get to spend a shit ton of time with them. Painful but cool. Usually. Except on Saturday, Gerard and Frank had one of their first ever real fights. It made him burn uncomfortably just thinking about it. They'd both overreacted and were too stubborn to admit it, thus starting one of the most confusing weeks of Gerard's life. He felt nothing short of lost without Frank, and their friend group didn't provide much solace. It was a common rule that if two members of said group were fighting, everyone stayed the fuck out of it until it was sorted. No sides, no favouritism, no sneaking around, nothing. In principe, this was great, but the reality meant that those fighting were pretty much excluded until they got their shit together. Gerard really wanted them to get their shit together, but even the most devastating crush couldn't overpower Gerard's stubbornness. And so they'd remained. Checkmate.

That wasn't even the worst of it. Gerard had grown so accustomed to relying on Frank's ruthlessness at school that he'd never really learnt how to look out for himself. Frankie had always been fierce, so most chose to leave him alone. Those that didn't would struggle to find any satisfaction in picking on him. Gerard had once watched Frank have his head smashed into a locker door without so much as a flinch as he made contact with solid metal. Between that and his venomous scowl, idiots eventually learnt to just leave him alone. 

Gee, on the other hand, was about as intimidating as a gothic butterfly, so for the last three days he'd been dealing with fuckwads making snide comments and shoving him into walls between classes. Not the end of the world, but enough to edge his already dark mood into the twilight zone. Sooner or later the fuckwads might realise that, without Frank, Gerard was a sitting duck, and the odd shove in the hallways could quickly turn into the odd shove down some stairs.

That, and he missed his best friend. 

He was busy burying himself under a mound of pillows and self pity when Mikey stormed down the stairs, otherwise unannounced. 

"Uh... Gerard." he said, stopping abruptly after he burst into the room. Gerard groaned from inside his cave. "Where are- What the fuck are you doing, get up." 

"Language, Mikey Way!" called their mother from upstairs. Gerard pushed a pillow off his face and sat up. 

"What do you want?" 

"Woah. What bit you in the ass?" 

"Nothing. Are you here for a reason, or...?" 

Mikey recoiled. Gerard knew he was being an asshole, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. Mikey's hurt quickly melted into his usual blank face and he stepped back towards the door.

"Well... I was just going to tell you that Frankie's here... but if you're being such a jerk then you can just-"

"Frank's here?" asked Gerard, moving the remaining pillows from his legs suddenly. 

"Yeah." Mikey shot him a look. "To see me." Gerard's heart sank. His brother eyed him for a moment, clearly suspicious. He dawdled, swinging the door back and forth before adding; "but he said he wanted to talk to you." Mikey raised a hand and flashed a momentary smug expression as Gerard started to scramble under his pillows. "No. You stay down here. I'll send Frank down." 

 He slammed Gerard's door shut on his way out. Gee fell back down onto the bed and bit his thumbnail. 

He was half-heartedly moving stuff around his room in a last-minute attempt to clean up when he heard footsteps at the top of the stairs. He had no idea what he was doing. It was Frank. Frank basically lived in Gerard's cave. A light knock came at the door. Gerard frowned. Did _Frank_ just _knock_? 

"Uh- Come in?" Gerard made an effort to look casual on the bed. He had no doubt that he'd failed miserably. The door opened slowly and Frank appeared, looking sheepish, and unfamiliar look on him. 

"Hi." 

They were in uncharted waters. Awkwardness. With  _Frank._

"Hi." Frank looked equally uncomfortable. "I just came because- I guess I just don't want us to be like... this anymore." he gestured vaguely. Gerard narrowed his eyes and nodded.

"Right." 

Honestly, Frank looked a little deflated. He took a breath.

"You don't want to sort this out?"

Yes. Of course Gerard wanted to fix it. The one thing Gerard wanted more than anything was to sort things out with Frank. So, naturally, he shrugged. What the fuck.

"Oh... okay..." Frank was beginning to sound annoyed. "Well I can go, then, I guess." he began to turn towards the door and Gerard stood up involuntarily. He cursed his legs for betraying him.

"Wait." he said. He had no clue what he was planning to follow that with, but Frank was turning back to him with this expectant look on his face and... "Of course I want to sort it out. This is fucking ridiculous." he said. Frank's shoulders slumped as he released a breath and he stepped back into the room.

"Yeah." he said, venturing over to the bed and just standing there opposite Gerard. Fuck, this was awkward. "It's been stupid." he repeated. Gerard nodded and then blinked at him.

"Yeah." Gerard sat heavily back onto the bed and gazed up at Frank for probably too long, but he just took it as a cue to join him on the bed. They were slouched a reasonable distance away, but it was a start. "So..." 

"Okay." said Frank, spreading his hands in front of him. "Knowing us, it's safe to say if we both just sit here then we're going nowhere." he said. Gerard cocked his head and nodded, wondering where Frank was going with this. "So." he said, with a deep breath. "I'm just going to say it- I'm sorry." he said. Gerard's eyebrows immediately flew up. He thought he might have seen the shadow of a smile in Frank's eyes when he noticed. "There." he said. "I'm sorry for breaking your house rules, and I'm sorry that I got upset when you got upset about it. Okay?" 

Gerard could have been an asshole. For a second he really wanted to be. For just a moment he wanted to kick up a fuss that Frank inferred that Gerard's reaction was dramatic. But the truth was, his reaction  _was_ dramatic. It was completely, 100% dramatic, and Frank could never, ever find out why Gerard had reacted the way he did. So there was no point putting up another fight just for the sake of stubbornness. Gerard would never admit it, but he was in the wrong, and Frank must have been in a really fucking good mood that day if he was willing to apologise for something which was so obviously Gerard's fault. 

He swallowed. He'd spent the week trying to put the images of last Saturday out of his mind, but, needless to say, this whole situation was breaking the memory back over him in waves.

Frank, bathed in a line of light in his hallway closet, head thrown back against the wall. That bitch with blonde hair (who Gerard hadn't even  _invited)_ kneeling between his thighs, face right in his crotch. Frank's eyes closed, mouth hanging open, looking thoroughly obscene. The twinge in his gut when realisation hit. Gerard slamming the closet door immediately, but not before he'd seen enough to send white hot arrows into his chest, and a red hot burn across his cheeks. The sound of muffled swearing before Gerard stormed away into the kitchen. Frankie, apologising Gee for breaking his no-sex-in-the-house rule. Gerard ignoring him, because that wasn't what Gerard was upset about... 

Frank could never know what he was actually upset about. 

In all the fuss Gerard never even saw the blonde bitch's face.

She was probably ugly. And mean.

Except Gerard knew that she wasn't, because Frankie could have anyone he wanted, and he would never even consider someone who was remotely mean. He was the most attractive guy at school- to Gee, anyway. He also knew that Frank wouldn't have cared what she looked like. He would have been far more interested in whether she liked Misfits and Gore flicks than whether she could win Miss America. Even so, she was no doubt a really cool, nice, funny girl, who he talked to every day and would probably marry and have five kids.

Whatever. 

"I'm sorry too." said Gerard. It was Frank's turn to raise an eyebrow. "I am." said Gerard, gaze dropping to his lap. "I was way out of line. It wasn't that big a deal." Frank looked at him and smiled when Gerard met his eyes again.

"It's okay. You were really drunk anyway, so..." he said gently. Gerard's stomach twisted, he hadn't been very drunk at all. First an apology, now Frank was making excuses for Gerard's shitty behaviour. How his luck had turned! They looked at each other for another few seconds before Gerard smiled too, and dropped his eyes again.

"I missed you all week." he said. "Had no one to bitch about Miss Branford after English on Monday." he said. Frank grinned. 

"Yeah, and I had to do detention all alone on Thursday because without me you're a fucking teacher's pet." he said, reaching out to push Gerard's arm slightly. Gerard splayed his fingers over his chest and feigned offence, batting at Frank's arm with his other hand. 

"Well without me you have no friends." said Gerard, shoving him back. Frank laughed and inched closer for better leverage when he pushed Gerard's shoulder again.

"Neither do you!" 

A few minutes later they both ended up laughing on Gerard's bedroom floor. Frank glanced around as they regained their composure and then frowned. 

"Did you..." Frank twisted around to look at Gerard's desk. "Dude, did you like  _clean_ in here or something?" Gerard picked at a piece of lint on the carpet and shrugged. 

"I wouldn't get too comfortable down here." he said. "I moved my clothes, I didn't use disinfectant." he sniggered as he watched Frank wrinkle his nose and get back to his feet. Without hesitation he dived onto Gerard's bed, wrapping himself in the duvet and peeking out at Gee. Just like that, they were back. It was just Frank and Gerard hanging out, like any other Friday night. Gerard smiled at him. 

"Careful." he muttered, walking over to the TV. "I didn't disinfect that either." 

He laughed to himself as he heard the rustle of Frank fighting the duvet off him and onto the floor. 


	2. I Swear I'm Fine

Gerard watched happily as his brother repeatedly thrashed Frank on the Playstation.

“Fuck!” shouted Frank as he was defeated for the fifteenth consecutive time. Gerard sniggered as Mikey gently placed his controller on the floor and began to climb to his feet. “No, wait.” said Frank. “I’ve got it this time, one more game.” Mikey smiled and shook his head, making for the door.

“If you want to win, play Gee. You shouldn’t have too much trouble…” he said. Gerard scowled at his disappearing back. “I’m getting snacks, you guys want anything?” he called from halfway up the stairs. Gere sighed and raised an eyebrow at Frank, who shook his head.

“No thanks.” he shouted, to the sound of Mikey’s footsteps receding up the stairs. Frank tossed his controller down next to Mikey’s and picked himself off the floor.

“So.” he said. Gerard looked at him.

“So.” he repeated.

“Last week was weird. I’m glad it’s over.”

 “Yeah.”

An uncomfortable silence fell between them. Gee resisted the urge to twiddle his thumbs. Instead he settled for hoping Mikey returned fucking pronto.

“Dude.” said Frank abruptly. Why are we getting like this?” He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck and Gerard forced himself to ignore the motion.

“Like what?”

“Like…” he brought his hand back down to safer territory and motioned vaguely. “Fucking stupid. It’s like we don’t even know each other.” he said, tilting his head. “We said we were sorry…It’s back to normal, right? I mean… It’s _us_ , Gee.” Gerard swallowed and nodded too quickly.

“Yeah.” he said again. “Yeah, of course. Sorry.” he smiled weakly, not entirely sure what was making him act like such a weirdo. Frank looked concerned for a moment before shaking his head and flopping back onto Gerard’s bed.

“It’s so strange.” muttered Frank. Gerard crawled up next to him and frowned, not sure whether he’d heard him correctly.

“What?”

“I never thought a _girl_ would ever be the thing to come between us.” he said, grinning slyly at Gerard.

Gee knew that Frank wasn’t serious. He knew he was just repeating a variation of the same joke Gerard had endured since the day he’d come out at age 14. It was a gay joke, plain and simple. Frank wasn’t trying to imply that there was actually anything _between_ him and the blonde girl, but that didn’t stop the block of lead from dropping into Gee's stomach. He forced a laugh and turned his head away to stare at the ceiling.

“Who’d have thought.” he mumbled. “So.”

Something inside him was suddenly burning to ask the question which had been playing at the back of his throat all day. Shit, all _week._  He didn’t care if it was awkward, or that he and Frank didn’t really talk about this stuff... anything was better than this silence.

“What was it like?” he said, eyes fixed pointedly at the white paintwork. He could feel Frank slowly turning to face him, rolling onto his side. Gerard could hear the puzzlement in his voice.

“What was what like?” he said. Gee was sure Frank knew what he meant. 

“With- uh-“ he struggled to keep his tone light. “What’s her name- uhm-“

“Lisa?” Frank said. Gerard caught Frank’s eyebrows shooting up out of the corner of his eye.

“Yeah, Lisa.” he said nonchalantly. Or as nonchalantly as he could. Which wasn't very. 

“Oh. What when she... The actual...”

Gerard nodded quickly.

"Well..." said Frank, caught off guard.

Gerard didn’t know why he was doing this to himself.

“It was like- I don’t know, I was drunk and it was a little- wait.” He narrowed his eyes at Gerard. who stiffened. Was Frank going to call him out for asking weird questions? They usually kept completely out of each others' business when it came to stuff like this. It was the one thing they didn't share. He guessed it might be something to do with the whole gay thing... Frank's parents were very conservative. Even though Frank was obviously completely accepting, it just seemed to be a touchy subject with Frank, so they both left well alone.

"Gerard." Frank said slowly. Gee forced himself to look at his best friend. "Do you mean you haven't ever..." Frank was frowning outright now. In fact, he was wearing the exact expression which he made whenever Gee helped him with his maths homework; utterly confused. He almost sounded affronted. Gerard was beginning to turn a pale shade of pink. 

"What?" he asked, alarmed by Frank's expression. 

"Woah, woah, wait." said Frank, pushing himself up onto his elbows and staring down at Gerard. "Does that mean- You mean you're trying to tell me you've never been sucked off before?" Gerard's face burned as he shook his head, eyes fixed on the threads of his duvet. Frank flopped himself back down and rolled onto his back. "Wow." he breathed. Once Gee had regained enough dignity to form coherent words, he asked Frank why this was such a surprise.

"Uhm?" said Frank. "I don't know. You're just so- I always thought that you- I don't know."

Gerard wondered to himself just where exactly his best friend thought he was getting all this head from. He was a basement-dwelling highschooler who showered once a month at best.

"I just figured... since your brother gets so much action and he's like a silent stick figure... I just assumed. You know, you're a lot more..." Frank made yet another of his meaningless hand gestures and scrunched up his mouth. "I guess I just thought..." he finally tailed off. Gerard wasn't sure whether he was relieved or not. Whilst this was probably one of the most uncomfortable moments of his life, he was also curious to find out just why Frank seemed to think of him as some dick magnet... He snuck a sideways look at him. There was no sign of a hidden joke in his face.

Today was hard, Gerard decided. He'd had enough trying to read all Frankie's signals. 

"You didn't answer the question. About Lisa." said Gee quietly after what felt like an age, but before he could find out just how Frank felt about Blonde Bitch's mouth, Mikey decided to make a reappearance. Gerard silently cursed and thanked his brother simultaneously for interrupting. It was probably a subject best cut short anyway, for the sake of Gee's sanity if nothing else. 

Mikey's eyes slid over Frank and his brother and frowned ever so slightly at Gerard before wordlessly dumping three bags of chips onto the floor and collapsing into the beanbag opposite the TV. 

"Who wants to lose next?" he drawled, without turning to face them. Gerard was glad for anything to distract him from the mess which had become his afternoon. He scrambled off the bed and onto the floor by his brother, carefully avoiding Mikey's eyes so he didn't fall victim to one of his fatal raised eyebrows. Mikey finally sighed and clicked START. Gerard, satisfied that he'd escaped his brother's curiosity for the time being, settled down and prepared to lose the first of many games and ignore the ache which had settled itself firmly behind his ribcage. 

***

"Bye Gee. Bye, Little Dude!" called Frank as he walked off down their driveway. 

"I'm still the same fucking age as you." shouted Mikey, too loudly for their suburban street. Gerard sniggered into his hand, but cut himself off abruptly when Mikey swung around to face him, sweeping knowing eyes over his big brother. 

"What?" he squeaked.

"Something's up with you." he said in a vaguely accusatory voice. Gerard shrugged. "I thought you told me you fixed things with him?" said Mikey. 

"I have. We made up today, but- what's it got to do with you, anyway?" he said, sounding  _guilty_ for some bizarre reason. 

"You're acting weird." said Mikey. "And what it's got to do with  _me_ is that I have to deal with you morons all the time. So sort it out." he said firmly, setting off in the direction of his room. Gerard stood, stunned, by the front door. 

"He's right, honey." came his mother's voice from the kitchen. Gerard scowled as he walked down the hall to his basement, groaning that his family should learn to  _mind their own business_ as he slammed his door shut behind him. 

***

School started off better on Monday. Not entirely comfortable. But better.

Until lunch, at least. 

"I hear the happy couple are back together." Shouted Bob over the heads of several 9th graders. Gerard just smiled as he followed Frank over to Bob's locker. There was no need to fight through the halls with Frank naturally cutting a path right through the crowd. 

"Shut up, Bryar." said Frank, throwing a punch at his arm. Bob just laughed and pointed a thumb towards the cafeteria. 

"Fuck off, Tiny." said Bob, shoving at Frank's head. "Lunch?"

Gerard tuned out his friends' bickering as they headed back down the hallway. He was just glad not to be eating alone under the bleachers again. He was pulled from his contented bubble when an elbow slammed into his ribs. Gee looked up, dazed, but no one was in front of him. Before he even had time to register confusion, Frank had spun around and was addressing a group of guys walking the other way. 

"You wanna watch where you're walking." said Frank. One or two of the guys turned around, most of them kept walking. "Hey. Did you hear me?" said Frank, loud enough to stop a couple of the other guys. None of them looked particularly concerned. By this time Gerard was coming to his senses and moved to place a hand on Frank's shoulder. 

"Frankie." he muttered. "It's fine-" A couple of the guys were sniggering while the rest of them pulled to a reluctant stop a few metres down the hall. Kids who'd been swarming through the hallway began to thin as everyone made their way to lunch. The remaining students could sense trouble and were keeping a safe distance. When Frank was satisfied that he had the attention of the douchebags, he took half a step forward. 

"I said you should probably watch where you're walking." said Frank. Bob sighed, probably at the prospect of having to rescue Frank should he get himself into any form of conflict. Gerard... Gerard just wanted Frank to drop it. He didn't even know who it was who'd walked into him. He wasn't upset. It was one of the more mild assaults to which he'd recently fallen victim. If Frank hadn't been there, he might not have even noticed. 

A couple of the guys looked Frank up and down and, apparently deciding he wasn't worth their time, turned away. The closest one looked over and raised his arms with a shrug before laughing as he joined his friends. 

"Assholes." muttered Frank as he stormed past Gerard and Bob, who were exchanging glances. Gerard breathed a sigh of relief. Bob frowned the entire way to the cafeteria. 

Mikey waved at them from his completely empty table. Gerard pretended not to notice the few girls hovering a little way away, giggling whenever Mikey so much as moved. Once they'd picked up some food, they sat all together for the first time in a week. 

"Hey." Mikey muttered into his sandwich.

Everyone mumbled more greetings when Ray sat down. Gerard kept shooting surreptitious glances across the table at Frank, but aside from that he pretty much kept his eyes glued to his lunch. Ray had to call him three times when his attention was required. When Gerard swept a gaze over the group, they were all staring at him. Gee tried not to notice Mikey's suspicious twitch. 

"Gerard, what's the matter?" said Bob bluntly. Gee's eyebrows knitted at once. 

"Huh? Nothing?" he said, trying to hide behind his juice. 

"Dude." Bob said with a sigh.

Ray, in a slightly more patient tone, said "Seriously, man. We were talking about D&D. You haven't been able to resist a conversation about D&D in... ever." Gerard shrugged. He really didn't mean to be quiet, his thoughts had just been taking up a lot of energy recently. He joined in half heartedly from then on, ignoring Bob and Frank arguing on the end of the table.

It wasn't unusual for them to bicker, but as lunch drew on it became apparent that this wasn't one of their every-day arguments. By the time the bell rang, their voices were raised just above what was socially acceptable. They were turning the odd head, but most kids were used to it by now. Mikey rolled his eyes and picked up his tray, nodding at Ray to come too. Gerard automatically stood to follow them. 

"Looks like we're going to lose Frank for another week." Mikey mumbled as he passed. Gerard glanced back at the table where Bob and Frank were still seated.

"I don't give a shit how 'tired' you are, Iero. You've been acting like an asshole for the past two weeks and you're not fucking staying over at my house. Assholes aren't allowed under my mother's roof."

"That's funny, Bob.  _You_ live under your mother's roof."

"For fuck's sake." growled Bob, standing up abruptly. "You're a fucking child."

"Me?" spluttered Frank. "I think you'll find  _you're_ the one acting like I killed your whole family, when all I did was ignore one of your stupid fucking questions because, guess what, it was  _fucking stupid._ "  _  
_

Gerard raised an eyebrow and turned to Mikey, who had stopped in his tracks and was staring back at them. He just shook his head and continued towards the exit. Ray heaved a sigh and followed Mikey. The room was emptying slowly as kids drifted off back to class. Gerard didn't join them just yet, he looked back to find Bob staring down at Frank in disbelief. 

"You know what?" he said quietly. "This is what I'm talking about. You're just being  _mean,_ Frankie. It's not even necessary. I don't know what's going on with you. Two weeks ago you just woke up a complete ass and you've been on-and-off ever since. Give me a call when you get over yourself." he spat. Gerard winced. Frank just scowled up at Bob resolutely, eyes following him until he disappeared out of the cafeteria, middle finger raised behind him.

Gerard stayed where he was. Mikey and Ray had vanished from the doorway. Soon enough, he and Frank were the only two kids left in the room, separated by just a few tables. 

"Dude." said Gee softly when Frank dropped his head onto his arms, hiding his face. "What's going on?" He recoiled when Frank sat up violently, pushing his tray away from him. 

"Why can't you just fucking leave it?" he hissed. "All of you. I'm fucking fine. It's just fucking annoying getting asked all the time." Gerard blinked at him, at something of a loss.

"Okay, Frankie." he said, taking a step backwards. "I guess- I mean, we can skip class and go for a walk if you want-"

"Or you could fuck off to class and leave me alone." said Frank, pushing himself up from the table. He ignored his tray completely, brushing too close past Gerard as he stormed from the cafeteria. 

Gerard was left in the middle of the room, alone, trying not to let the burn behind his eyelids get the better of him.  


	3. Fist, Meet Brick

"Please tell me we're not doing this again." 

Gerard sighed and put down his pencil once and for all. Mikey had been staring at him for twenty minutes now, swinging on the desk chair while Gee sketched on the bed. 

"What, Mikey?" he said, shoving his book to the side. 

"Don't play dumb. Frank hasn't been over in a week and you're turning into a recluse." he said. 

"Did mom put you up to this-"

"No, Gerard." Mikey sighed. Gee frowned at the use of his full name. "It's just getting impossible to be around you. I want to know what's up. If there's something with you and Frank, then-" 

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Gerard sharply. "We're fine. I've told you. We made up."

"That isn't what I meant."

"Then, enlighten me. Please." said Gerard, narrowing his eyes at his brother. Why was it so hard for everyone to just leave him alone?

"This is what I'm talking about, Gee. You don't even talk to me any more. You don't really talk much to any of us. Toro wanted to say something but I told him I should do it..." Mikey rubbed a hand over his eyes. "Okay, look, all i'm trying to say is that if there's something you want to tell me- about you and Frank, about anything, then you can. I don't want you to feel like you have to push everyone away if there's something up." he finished, looking Gerard directly in the eye. Gee shifted, not sure what to make of this sudden outburst. His heart ached. It would be so easy now just to let everything spill out...

"Mikes, nothing's the matter. I'm just... And me and Frankie are fine. I think he's just dealing with some stuff. He's been acting weird." Mikey snorted.

"He's not the only one."

"I don't know what you want from me." said Gerard honestly. Mikey's lips tightened into a straight line. 

Truth be told, Gerard would have loved to tell his little brother everything. He wanted Mikey's support, in fact, it was probably a lack of guidance from Mikey that was driving Gerard into such a deep pit. Every issue he'd ever faced, he'd faced it with his brother by his side. But this time he really couldn't. It wasn't worth risking his friendship with Frank. He completely trusted Mikey, obviously, but somewhere in the back of his mid he was still hoping that the problem would go away if he ignored it for long enough. Telling people about it made it way too real for comfort. 

"Okay." Mikey said, utterly resigned. "Fine. If you don't want to tell me, then that's up to you. I just thought- You know what. Never mind. It's stupid. You don't even care." he said, voice hardening. Gerard's eyes widened. What the fuck was he doing to piss everyone off so much. 

"Mikey." said Gerard, watching his brother get up and make for the door. "Mikes, wait." Reluctantly he stopped in the doorway. "Why are you so mad at me?" 

"I'm not mad, Gee." he said, more gently. Gerard could hear him trying to keep his voice even. It was a tremor anyone else would have missed, but 17 years of experience had taught him. "I just- I guess I just miss my brother, okay." He said it with a shrug, but Gee caught his eyes and in that second he knew exactly how his brother was feeling. Mikey waited- giving Gerard one last chance to fix this, to just tell him everything. He was giving him the opportunity to get up, make a tent out of Gee's duvet like they used to, and just talk for hours. It was an opportunity Gerard was too stunned to take up. So instead, Mikey shook his head and left.

Gerard watched the empty doorway for a good few minutes after Mikey had disappeared up the stairs. When he began to come to his senses, he face planted into his pillow, groaning loudly.

***

The next time Gerard saw Frank, he was kicking at a solid brick wall behind the Art Department.

Gee had just gone out for a smoke. School was boring, and he was at a complete creative slump with his art project. His teacher barely noticed when he ducked out of the room. He hadn’t been bargaining on running into anyone at all, let alone his best friend, and certainly not his best friend slamming his body into inanimate objects.

“Frankie.” he ventured, stepping cautiously out from the fire-exit doorway. Frank didn’t hear him, continuing to assault the side of the building. As Gee drew closer he could see the cigarette hanging out of Frank’s mouth; his scrunched up eyes. He looked how he sometimes did when he was playing guitar. Something tugged in the pit of Gerard’s stomach. It was so intense it held him in place, frozen between the dumpsters and the fire-escape. He didn’t know how long he stood there, just watching, until Frank slammed himself to a stop. His shoulders rose and fell rapidly as he leant against the wall. Gerard knew this was something he wasn’t supposed to see. He was ready to turn and slip back into school when Frank looked up. His eyes were red.

“Frank.” said Gerard, unsure what to do.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” said Frank. Maybe he’d started off with the intention of being aggressive, but nothing- from his shaky voice to the blood on his hands- was even remotely convincing. They both knew it.

“Oh, Frankie.” muttered Gerard, walking over to the wall and opening his arms. For a split second Frank almost looked as if he might shrug Gee off, or fucking bolt out of there, but he didn’t. He just let himself fall into Gerard’s chest. He closed his eyes, finally wrapping his arms around his best friend’s waist and breathing unsteadily into his shirt.

“Wanna go take that walk now?” asked Gee once he felt Frank’s breathing return to normal. Frank said nothing, just nodded into Gerard’s shoulder. He shook his arms out violently once Gerard let go of him. He grunted and kicked at the kerb as they walked right out of the front gates.

Gerard eyed Frank’s hands as they walked, but said nothing. Frank was putting up a good show of ignoring the pain. Either that or he actually couldn’t feel it… which would be more concerning.

They sat by the window in Starbucks, ignoring the looks cast their way by certain baristas. Gerard asked for tap water and brought over a ton of napkins. Frank only protested once or twice when his hand was picked up and Gerard began to clean his knuckles. The blood hadn't started to dry yet so it wasn't too difficult. Gee thought he maybe dragged the process out a tiny bit... just to keep Frank's hands in his. Maybe.

"There." he mumbled eventually. Frank probably wasn't paying attention, because he let his hands rest there for a few seconds before muttering his thanks and pulling them into his lap. He winced when they made contact with his jeans. When Gerard looked up, Frank's eyes were on his. His breath caught and he tried to cover it up by coughing. He needed another coffee. Not that it would contain his racing heart... actually it would probably be counter productive... but he couldn't smoke in here and it was the next best thing. 

"So- uh-" said Gerard, scrambling to break the silence which had just become suffocating. Frank frowned at him. "Did you and Bob patch things up yet?" he asked, picking up his empty coffee cup, then placing it back down again. Frank watched him. 

"Not exactly." he said slowly. Gerard must have imagined the shadow of a smile playing on Frank's lips. It was gone when he looked back up. 

"What happened between you guys anyway?" Gee said, happy to take advantage of Frank's relatively agreeable mood. Bob hadn't been wrong. Frankie was kind of being an asshole, but Gee knew he wasn't doing it on purpose. "You've seemed pretty...unhappy recently."

"Oh, not you, too." sighed Frank, rolling his eyes and shifting to stare out of the window. 

"You don't have to talk about it." said Gerard. "I just hate- Never mind." he said. He was edging into dangerous territory. Best left alone. 

Frank, however, had other ideas. He turned his head and fixed his gaze on Gerard. The eye contact sent a wave through Gerard's whole body. This needed to fucking stop. 

"What?" said Frank. "You hate what?" 

"Oh, uh-" He tried to control his eyes from wandering over Frank's body, choosing instead to fix them on his coffee cup. "It's nothing knew, I guess. I was just going to say I hate seeing you like this and- uhm- you know... not being able to be there for you." Frank dropped his eyes at last. "But I just don't want to force myself in if you're trying to sort stuff out alone. I'm trying to tell you i'm here for you, Frankie. Even though shit's a little weird with us right now. I'll stop asking you if you're okay and everything, just so long as you know I'm here if you need me." Frank kept his eyes fixed in front of him. For a long while Gee wasn't sure whether he was going to reply. 

"It's not that." he said eventually. 

"Not what." 

"It's not that I want to sort stuff out by myself. I just feel like it's stupid stuff-"

"It's not."

"No. It is. I'm nearly eighteen years old, Gee. I shouldn't be letting my parents get to me." he said. Gerard breathed through his teeth. Oh god. 

"Oh." he said softly. "Is that what's up?"

All through their childhood Frank had explosive fights with his parents at regular intervals. He used to take refuge at the Way's whenever things got too much. Eventually it happened to the extent that Mrs Way begin to keep vegetarian meat substitutes in the fridge. Frank was over there so much, it just made sense. Gerard would never ask what they were fighting about, because Frank would always tell him eventually. He'd just open the door, take one look at his friend's face and let him in. They'd play video games with Mikey, watch movies, and have dinner like there was nothing wrong. Then, in the middle of the night, Frank would crawl from his spot on the floor into Gerard's bunk. Mikey always pretended to be asleep while the two of them talked until the hours of the morning. The year Gerard moved down to the basement, Frank didn't even sleep on the floor. On the particularly bad days he just crashed in Gee's bed next to him. If he needed to cry, or scream, he would do it into the pillow with Gerard's hand rubbing circles into his back. 

As they got older the episodes were less intense. Frank was at the Way's just as often, but it became rare that he would turn up tearstained and small-looking. The fights with his parents were as regular, but Gee was glad to see that they were effecting him less and less. He was proud of Frank. He was strong, no-one could deny it. 

"Did stuff get bad again?" asked Gee when Frank didn't reply. A few seconds passed and Frank nodded. 

"Yeah." he said. "It did."

"How bad?"

"I don't know, Gee." Frank sighed, cocking his head. "I just can't deal with the constant, like, strain of it. I'm sick of Ma's controlling bullshit, and I'm sick of Dad only giving a shit when there's a fight going on. He literally couldn't give a shit unless there's an opportunity to scream at me. Plus ever since me and you started talking about politics and stuff, it's made me realise how fucking whack their politics is. It's gross. Their morals are in the ground. Like, I've known they were homophobic ever since you came out. It's why I wouldn't let you come over, like, at all that year. I don't know why it got bad so quick this time, though. Nothing new's happened... I don't think...But...." Frank frowned at the floor and paused. He took a deep breath. "It's not just that, actually." he closed his eyes and bit on his lip ring. Gerard wondered what it was making Frank so nervous. He'd never been nervous to tell Gerard something. Ever.

"What is it?" he prompted. 

"I don't know." said Frank. " I really don't. But I think... I'm confused. I'm just so confused because-" Frank broke off and looked to his right, eyebrows shooting up. Gerard followed his gaze, and sighed. 

"Mikey, what are you doing out of school." called Gee over the near-empty coffee shop. His brother was at the register. Gee had no idea how they hand't caught sight of him walking in. 

"Uhm, I could ask you the same thing?" said Mikey, smiling fleetingly at the barista who handed him his drink. He picked his way over to their table. "Oh my god, Frankie did you get into a fight?" said Mikey with a gasp. He reached out to grab Frank's wrist and peered over his scraped up knuckles. Frank smiled. Gerard's heart leapt at the light returning to Frank's eyes. He was beginning to forget what it was like to see Frank happy.

"Yeah, It was pretty gnarly." said Frank, hiding a smirk when Mikey's mouth fell open. Gerard kicked him under the table. "You should have seen the other guy." Frank said, deadpan. Gerard burst out laughing, causing his brother to frown down at him. Gee's hair fell over his face. 

"You're such a nerd." he said to Frank as he regained composure. Mikey just frowned between them. 

"You guys are annoying." he said. "I'm going back to school." 

Gerard and Frank immediately reached out, grabbing at the bottom of Mikey's sweater. 

"No, little dude, don't leave us." said Frank, pouting up at him. Gerard grinned and joined in, until they were both begging Mikey to stay. 

"Ugh. You're such assholes." grumbled Mikey as he pulled up a chair.

The next hour or so was nice. They didn't talk about what was up with Frank. They didn't talk about Gerard's recent bouts of silentness. They just talked about cartoons, the weird eighth graders at school and anything other than the issues which had been 

For the fist time in over a month, Gee felt a little bit normal again. So when it began to rain outside and Mikey said he should get to final period, he was reluctant to let the comfort of normality slip away again. He knew he couldn't sit in Starbucks forever, but for a second or so he really wished he could. 

 


	4. Deja vu

Mikey's music was too loud in the car. Gerard had told him to turn it down, but to no avail. Ray was of little help; headbanging in the back, 'fro dancing around his head. This, accompanied by Mikey's bad singing, rendered the car journey almost insufferable. When the album finally came to an end, Gerard slammed the radio off. Mikey scowled it him, ready to slot in another CD. 

"I can't drive like this, Mikes. We'll be home in like ten minutes. You can listen to all the music you want there." Mikey sat back in silence. Gerard frowned at the lack of argument from his brother. 

"Actually." said Mikey carefully. "I'm going to Ray's..."

Ah. 

"Oh my god, you're such a liar. If you want me to drop you at Alicia's I will. You don't have to make up some story-"

"It's not a story!" said Mikey, turning to grimace at Ray. "I really am going to Ray's..." Gerard raised an eyebrow, making the turning to Ray's house anyway. "first." muttered Mikey.

"Oh, for fuck's sake." said Gerard. "Don't fucking let mom find out. She'll kill me if she finds out that I knew about this. You know how she feels about that girl, Mikes." Gee pulled to a stop outside Ray's house and turned to look at Ray. "Keep a fucking eye on him for as long as you can?" he said. 

"I'm not a fucking child, thanks." said Mikey as he pushed the door open. 

"I know that! But you're my brother, and- I don't know- Whenever mom has a bad feeling about somebody, she's usually right. Plus you're fucking irresponsible and I'm not ready to be an uncle!" he called through the window. Mikey was already storming up Ray's drive. Gerard turned to the backseat again. Ray was looking at him guilty. 

"Sorry man, he was just so excited-" Gerard shook his head. 

"It's fine. He's not seven, he can make his own choices... I just- you know..." he said, scrunching his nose up. Ray nodded and patted Gerard's shoulder. 

"Brother stuff. Mine are exactly the same." he said. 

Gerard waved half heartedly as Ray climbed out of the car. He was about to drive away when Ray tapped on his window.

"Hey," he said. "You're coming to the party next Saturday, right?" 

Gerard sighed and killed the engine again, swivelling in his seat. 

"Where, Ray?" he said, hoping it was somewhere far, far away so he could claim he couldn't afford the gas...

"My house, man! Where else? It'll be rad. Everyone's coming." 

Fuck. 

Gerard didn't feel much like attending a social event, especially considering how the last one ended...

"I don't know, dude..."

"Come on!" he said. "Bob and Frankie made up yesterday, it'll be cool to just hang out again with everyone. Semester's almost over. Plus, alcohol! Oh and there's a cute boy in my Calc class and I'm like 90% sure I can convince him to come if you wanted to meet him-"

Gerard laughed and shook his head. 

"Okay, okay, fine." he said. "I'll talk to Mikes about it, maybe he can convince me." Ray nodded with a smile. He knew he'd won. No one could resist Mikey's persuasive techniques. "And forget about the Calc guy!" added Gerard as Ray turned to follow Mikey to his house. Gee heard him laugh and simply wave in response. God, what the fuck has led  _Ray_ to matchmaking? Gerard pushed his hair out of his eyes. 

"Fucking Mikey." he muttered as he drove home. 

***

Gerard's phone buzzed in his pocket as he fought his way through the front door with his arms full of books. He yelled a greeting to his mom which she returned from somewhere within the house. Gee made his way to the kitchen and let his books fall onto the table, sighing as he leant back in relief. He searched through the pantry for pop tarts, scowling when he couldn't find any. His phone buzzed again and he paused by the table to pull it from his jeans. 

_'Can I come over? Fxo'_

Gerard made a conscious effort not to grin down at his phone, but he knew he'd failed when his mother made a tutting noise from the doorway. He looked up to see her watching him with a sad look on her face. 

"Gerard." She approached him, placing some laundry into a basket by the sink. "Honey." she said delicately. Gerard noted absently that it was the exact voice she'd used when their pet goldfish died, and when she announced that he and Mikey had to go to different summer camps one year. His ears immediately pricked up and he frowned. "Sweetheart, don't take this the wrong way, but I think you need to be very careful." she said, petting his arm. He instinctively slipped his phone back into his pocket and continued to frown at her. 

"What do you mean? Careful with what?" he said, looking around the room, as if searching for a source of danger. His mother squeezed his arm before letting go, and gave a small shake of her head. 

"I'm not going to pretend to guess what's going on." she said carefully. "But I just want you to be sure you know what you're getting into... before you start anything." She searched her son's eyes, searching for any sign of understanding. Gerard stared blankly back at her. 

"Ma, I have no idea what you're talking about-"

"Just be careful, sweetheart. Sometimes we put all of our efforts into something which might not be able to give back in quite the way we want it to." she said, choosing her words carefully. "And it often ends in tears."

Gerard's frown deepened, but before he could make any more noises of confusion, she planted a kiss on his cheek and wandered back over to the washing basket. Gerard let his head fall back and he stared at the ceiling, then ran both hands over his face. 

"Alright, Mom." he said. She hummed as he picked up a few of his books and left the room. He was still a little dazed as he descended the stairs. 

Either his mother really did have some kind of sixth sense, or maybe...

**_Fucking Mikey._ **

***

"So, you coming to Ray's next week?" asked Frank, kicking his legs out in front of him on the desk chair. Gerard blinked, snapping himself out of his thoughts.

"Huh? Oh. I don't know... You?" he said, forcing his best casual tone. Frank shrugged. 

"Yeah, I guess. Can't exactly get smashed at home, can I?" he said with a half smile. Gerard rolled his eyes but smiled back. 

"That's a fair point. Though I guess I  _could_ get wasted down here by myself..."

"That's no fucking fun, you loser." said Frank, smile lingering in his eyes. "Come with, maybe you'll finally get some action." Frank said, too loudly. Gerard forced himself to keep smiling, but he immediately changed the subject to avoid having to think about it anymore.

Frank's lip ring glinted whenever he smiled. Gee thought he looked happier today. He felt warm at the sight. Frank's laugh was infectious, as ever, and soon enough they ended up rolling on his bed, cracking up about some stupid shit that happened on TV. 

Gerard didn't ask what happened with Bob. He didn't ask much of anything, really. For the rest of the afternoon, the subject matter of their conversation revolved strictly around sic-fi and new music. Nothing at all to do with school, or parents, or brothers. It was familiar, and it was just so  _Frank_ that Gerard felt himself slipping into a happy bubble while the sun began to set outside his tiny basement-window. By dinner time they were lying side-by-side in the dark. Frank's hand was so close to Gerard's that he could feel the warmth radiating off him, and while Gerard was fizzing happily from the inside out - just for the time being - it was almost enough.  

***

The party was exactly what Gerard had expected; loud, overcrowded and boring. It wasn't Ray's fault that it was boring. Everyone else looked like they were having an awesome time. Gee just didn't want to be there, and making conversation with a bunch of relative strangers while his friends drank and got laid was not his idea of fun. 

Mikey had disappeared within the first half hour and Gerard had no desire to find out where he'd got too. He didn't think Alicia was at this party... but maybe he snuck her along. Who knows. 

Who cares. 

There was no sign of Bob. Gerard sighed. Maybe he and Frank still weren't okay after all. It was becoming too much of a chore to keep track of everything. 

Frank had got dressed at Gee's and Mrs. Way had given them dinner, but as soon as they got to Ray's he vanished. Gerard was trying hard not to watch him flirting with a black haired, goth looking girl on the other side of the room. He took a swig of his beer moodily and turned his attention back to the conversation taking place in front of him. No one there was paying him much attention, not even Ray, so after another few minutes he slipped off into the kitchen in search of something stronger to drink. 

As the night drew on, everyone's faces began to blur together. Gerard made an attempt to move off the couch he'd inhabited, but he felt like his brain might fall out of his ears, so he stayed put. He blinked slowly around. Most people had stopped dancing now, which was a relief, because all the movement had made Gerard's head hurt. 

At some point, Mikey re-emerged and crashed next to his brother. 

"Hey, Gee." he said with a smile, ruffling his hair. Gerard frowned and reached up clumsily to pet it back down. In actual fact he just made it worse. Mikey was in the middle of saying something when Gee's eyes widened. Across the thinning crowd in the living room, he caught sight of black hair and a lip ring. Frankie. Gerard almost tried to get up again, but something didn't quite make the connection to his legs, so he stayed put. Mikey's words poured completely over his head until a hand appeared in front of his face and clicked. Gerard peered around for the source of the noise. Mikey's hands grabbed him by the collar. 

"Oh my god." he muttered. "You're really out of it, aren't you?" Gee stared at his brother for a moment and then giggled, his hair was sticking up at funny angles. He reached to play with it, Mikey batted him away. "Alright, alright." he said, somewhere between an exasperated laugh and a sigh. "I think you're done, let's go home."

Mikey stood and began to haul Gerard to his feet. Gee was reluctant to cooperate, still giggling, and Mikey eventually required the assistance of Ray and a couple of his friends. Everyone was at various stages of intoxication, so the process was excruciatingly slow. They were close to giving up when Gee suddenly stood bolt upright, and pointed in front of him. A couple of Ray's friends took a step back, surprised by the sudden movement. Mikey, Ray and the others all looked over, following Gerard's gaze. Mikey peered at him, new concern etching itself onto his face. His brother looked... upset. 

"Gee..." he said carefully, as if he was addressing a kid. "What are you- That's just Frank, Gerard. It's Frankie. What are you pointing at?" Gerard nodded his head dumbly, eyes fading in and out of focus. He felt sick suddenly. "You're pointing at Frank?" Gerard nodded again and took half a step forward, swaying. A couple of Ray's friends stepped back. Ray shook his head and quietly told them they could go; he and Mikey had it under control. 

The room began to spin in earnest now Gerard was on his feet. Through the haze he could just make out his best friend, and next to him; a familiar sweep of blonde hair. It fell in waves, standing too close to Frank. Way too close. Except, it was still getting closer, because Frank was leaning in and- Gerard didn't register his brother's hand on his shoulder, or any of the words he was throwing at him. All he felt was the heave in his stomach and a sudden, very urgent need to leave the premises. 

He stumbled on Ray's foot as he jolted into action. He wasn't sure exactly where he was running, but he supposed it was a good thing that he found his way to the back door. He didn't hear the small group gathering in the doorway as he puked all over Ray's parents' bushes. He barely even noticed the tears streaming down his face as he stumbled out into the darkness of the back yard. Mikey was calling him, stepping out from the doorway. Gerard shouted something that he wouldn't remember the next day. Mikey recoiled. 

"Gerard, wait." he yelled as his brother drunkenly took off running again.

When he crashed he wasn't sure where he was. All he could feel was grass under his cheek and the tug of sleep pulling him under. Maybe he could have fought it if he'd really tried, but unconsciousness was preferable to the twisted loop of images running through his mind. He didn't want to think any more. He just wanted to sleep... and this grass was pretty fucking soft...

***

"Gerard Arthur Way."

Oh fuck. 

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" 

Gerard's eyes shot open, for a moment he was confused. Between the blades of grass scratching at his face, and the knives which seemed to be embedded in his skull, he was completely disorientated. It wasn't until his father's voice broke through the damp morning air again that he blinked and finally began to move. 

"If you think this is acceptable behaviour then you are very much mistaken." 

Oh God. He sounded livid. Gerard fought his way to his feet and tried not to sway as he looked around him. Ah. He was in his front yard. He wasn't sure whether to be relieved that he wasn't dead, or terrified that he was probably about to be...

His father was standing on the porch. Gee had honestly never seen him look quite this furious before. 

"I don't even want to  _look_ at you." he hissed as Gerard made his way - very slowly - up the porch steps. He just nodded. Fair enough. 

"And you're going to clean up this  _disgusting_ mess this second, do you hear me."

Gee frowned and looked where his father was pointing. Oh. Maybe he'd been sick a couple more times before he passed out. Awesome. He didn't dare ask where Mikey was, or what time it was. He just nodded again and watched his father disappear back inside the house, slamming the door behind him. He trudged back down the steps into the garage to find the hose. 

He probably deserved this. This was his punishment for being such a fucking creep. Memories of the night before began to resurface as he ran the hose over the grass... and over himself. The cold water was actually kind of refreshing. He hoped his father wasn't watching from the kitchen window, because if he saw Gerard dousing himself in freezing water right in the view of the neighbours... he was pretty sure that his punishment might be tenfold. Whatever. The water felt nice, and his life sucked anyway. 

"Do your worst, Dad." he mumbled, watching dirty water run down the drive and vanish into the storm drains. 


	5. For All Your Worries

Gerard suffered through just under an hour of lecturing from his father, but his mother was going very easy on him, considering the circumstances. Gerard was way too hung over to notice.

By the time he was released to his room, he thought that his brain might have been trodden on by a herd of elephants. He didn’t even change out of his disgusting clothes, just crashed, face first, onto his bed. When Mikey ventured down to the basement to wake him for dinner, he was still dead to the world.

"Gerard." he said, sitting gently down on the side of the bed. Clattering of cutlery drifted downstairs from the kitchen. "Gee, mom made dinner if you want any?" Gerard finally began to stir. His mouth felt like a desert. 

"M'head." he mumbled into his pillow, rolling away from Mikey. 

"Yeah, I know, jackass. It's your own fault for not drinking any water in like 48 hours." he said, poking Gerard's side. He groaned loudly and then winced as the noise reverberated around his skull. Mikey frowned at him. "Dude, you don't  _get_ hungover. Did you take something last night?" 

"Don't think so." said Gerard, hoping Mikey would fuck off already. "Don't want food." he said with as much finality as he could muster. Mikey ignored him. 

"Fuck, then you must have drank Ray out of house and home." he said fondly, hand still resting on his brother's back. "I guess now would be a bad time to ask-"

"Mikey!" said Gerard, immediately regretting raising his voice. He buried his head under his pillow, but it was almost worth it when he felt Mikey tap his back a couple of times, and then his weight shifted off the bed. 

"Probably best you stay down here." said Mikey from the doorway. "Dad's still storming around and mumbling about you killing his precious grass-"

Gerard didn't know what this feeling was that was building in his chest and sending a fiery burn along his eyelids. Mikey was still talking about how angry their dad was, when, without any permission whatsoever from his brain, Gerard was sitting up. Unaware of the tears pooling in his eyes, and the pounding in his head, he held his pillow tightly to his chest.

"I love him." 

"Huh? Who, dad?" Mikey said, pushing his glasses back up his face as he fully stepped back into the room. Gerard had cut him off, but he didn't seem to mind. He looked confused, but almost hopeful as he approached. Concern finally began to cross Mikey's face when he saw the teardrops rolling down his brother's face. He rounded the bed and sat right by Gee. 

He couldn't help but smile as Gerard peered up at him utterly pathetically. 

"What are you crying for, you idiot?" he said gently. 

"I'm in love with him." he said again, louder. Then, realising that he'd said it out loud - twice now - clapped a hand over his mouth. He closed his eyes as Mikey pulled his brother into a tight hug, suppressing his laughter. 

"I know." he whispered as Gerard began to sob. "Oh, Gee. Why the fuck are you crying? Are you still fucking drunk?" he laughed and pulled away, holding Gerard by the shoulders to look at him properly. Gerard scowled through his tears and elbowed Mikey in the ribs. 

"Feel sorry for me." he said petulantly. "I'm miserable!" Mikey laughed again and tried half-heartedly to move Gerard's hair from his eyes. He saw his brother's scowl deepen in concentration, and then his eyes widened. Gerard was no doubt realising that he hadn't specified _who_ it was with which he was desperately infatuated, and unless Mikey had telepathy... Gerard narrowed his eyes again. 

Here it comes, thought Mikey.

"Wait." said Gerard, sitting back, and immediately clutching his head. Once he'd sniffed a couple of times and re-opened his eyes, he fixed Mikey with his sharpest glare. In his current state, it wasn't particularly intimidating. Mikey forced himself to arrange his expression. "What the fuck do you mean 'I know'!? What do you know?" 

"You're in love with Frankie." said Mikey matter of faculty. Gerard looked scandalised.

"What the fuck!" he gasped, taking another swing at his little brother, who dodged easily, hopping off the bed.

"Maybe we should talk about this when you're feeling better-"

"Excuse me, motherfucker, you've been bothering me about this for  _weeks_ and you're saying you _knew_ -"

"Gee, you look like shit-"

"Sit back down right now MikeyWay." said Gerard. Judging by the fact their mom still hadn't called Mikey to dinner, he'd probably warned her he might be a while. Mikey did as he asked, but only because Gerard looked so helpless, all tearstained and angry. "What the fuck!" he said again, because it was the only phrase filling his brain. It was completely beyond his comprehension how anyone could possibly have found out... "How did you know? No one knows?" 

"Oh, please." Mikey said, fighting the smile from his voice. "Have you seen the way you look at him? It's kind of gross." he said. Gerard flushed, hands flying to his cheeks. 

"It's obvious?" he asked. His pride was pretty much out of the window by now. What had he left to lose?

"Well... that, and the fact we heard you crying for an hour and a half when that chick blew Frank in our closet."

Gee squealed and covered his face, falling back onto the bed. His nose was blocked, and it was making his headache at least 400 times worse. 

"Fuck my life. Fuck my actual life, I want to die." mumbled Gerard in his hands. He peeked through his fingers at Mikey, whose expression was a mixture of pity and amusement. "Don't laugh at me!"

"I'm not laughing!"

"Your face is fucking laughing."

"You're an idiot."

"You're an asshole." Gerard sighed and blinked slowly, then his eyes snapped open suddenly. "You and Mom have been talking about this, haven't you." Mikey finally had the decency to look sheepish. He shrugged. Gerard finally hit him with a pillow. 

"I was worried about you!" he said, defending himself weakly. 

"Fuck you." said Gerard. 

Except, he really didn't mean it. Not even as a joke. The relief running through him was almost counteracting the nausea hitting him in waves. Not quite, but almost. He wasn't up to it just yet, but now he had the thing he'd been wanting all along- someone to talk to. He could get advice and support and, fuck, it was just nice to talk to his brother about something important again. Now he was really thinking about it, he was so fucking glad Mikey knew, even if his  _mom_ knew too. Even if he would have to kill him for being such an asshole, and letting him  _suffer_ for  _weeks._  And... even though he knew Mikey couldn't rescue him from the never-ending pit of longing into which he'd fallen, it was still nice knowing that he had some kind of lifeline now. Even if that lifeline was made of string. 

"You can get the fuck out now." Gerard said after a little while. Mikey smiled at him and nodded. He stopped in the doorway one last time, looking back at Gee; now lying like a starfish. 

"I'll bring you down some water if you want." he said, about to turn and mount the stairs. Gerard mumbled in appreciation. Mikey paused, hand on the door handle. "It's good to have you back, brother." He didn't let Gerard respond, closing the door with a slam. He heard a long groan of protest at the noise, and smiled to himself all the way up the stairs. 

***

After spending the entire ride to school moaning to Mikey about how awful his life was, he felt a little bit better. Something about Mikey's particular brand of monotonous advice was comforting in a way which could only be nostalgic. 

"Tell him." he said for the ninth time as they turned into the school quad. Mikey was resting his feet on the dashboard, ignoring Gerard's protests. 

"I can't just tell him, are you crazy?" Gee said. Mikey paused. 

"I think you should tell him." he repeated. 

"Oh for fuck's sake." mumbled Gerard. "Okay, we're here. Get out. I'll see you at lunch." he said, parked badly at the far end of the parking lot. 

"Aren't you coming?" 

"Yes. I just want- can you just get out of the car, please." Gerard said, waving his hands about. Mikey rolled his eyes and nodded. Gee just wanted to think for a moment. As much as he knew he really, really couldn't tell Frankie, all Mikey's encouragement was letting him believe, just for a moment, that it was something he could just  _do._ Like it wasn't something that would wreck his friendship, and freak Frank out, and pretty much ruin the most important relationship in Gerard's life - besides he and Mikes, obviously. 

Mikey tapped on the window. Gerard jumped and leant over to wind it down. 

"What now?" he said. 

"Mom asked me to remind you we're going to the city for dinner tonight. She said she didn't mind if we stayed out after school but we have to be at the station by six."

"We're meeting them there?" asked Gerard, squinting up at his brother. 

"No, they're going in at lunchtime for Dad's work thingy." said Mikey. "We're meeting them outside the office at 7:30. They want to make sure we get there with plenty of time." he said with a shrug when he saw Gerard rolling his eyes. 

"Yeah, okay, fine." said Gerard, motioning for Mikey to leave already. Mikes gave him a wave and ambled off towards the front doors. Gerard sighed and let his head fall back against the seats. 

***

Frank wasn't in school that day. Gee didn't actually notice until English, when they would have been together. At lunch he asked Bob and Ray, they both shrugged. 

"Probably bunking off." said Ray matter of factly. 

"Probably getting arrested." mumbled Bob. Gerard frowned at him. "Kidding." he added, though he didn't sound like he was. 

Gerard spent the whole lesson after lunch worrying irrationally. What if Frank knew why Gee had run away from the party and now he was avoiding him? What if Mikey was right, and it was really obvious that Gee was into him? What if he never wanted to speak to him again?

Mikey spotted him in the hallway and stopped him before final period.

"Hey, earth to Gerard." he said. "You need to calm down. You're being really fucking dramatic for no reason, and everyone can tell. You've been acting like a zombie all day, cut it out." he said, close to Gerard's ear. For once, Gee didn't argue. He just nodded. His brother, as usual, was right. He was being stupid.

Though Mikey's words somewhat snapped him out of his panic, but it didn't put a stop to his worrying. He knew he was over analysing. It wasn't like Frank was some kind of model student, this wouldn't be the first or last time he skipped school. No doubt it was completely voluntary, but what if he was sick? What if the blonde bitch gave him glandular fever? He'd always had a shitty immune system...

Or what if it was something worse?

What if his parents found out he'd been to a party. Or found out that he'd gone home drunk or high and they'd found him... Knowing Frank's mom, that would be a fate worse than death. 

***

He let Mikey take his car home. He wanted to walk. He told Mikey he needed some air. This was partly true, but mainly, he was going to check on Frank. He was well aware that everything would probably be fine, Frank would be at home, smoking on the steps until his parents got home from work. Gee shook himself. Whatever. If Frank was fine, great, he could spend an hour or so there and just hang out with his friend, his mind would be at ease. And if it turned out there was something the matter, Gee would be there to help. No downside. And no Mikey to bug him, either. 

 


	6. Only Tears

Frank wasn't on the porch steps like Gerard had hoped he would be. Clouds were beginning to pass overhead as Gee walked across the patch of lawn in front of the house. He shivered, knocking on the door with his hoodie falling over his hand. Frank's mom's car was out of the driveway, so there was no risk that his parents were home. Mrs. Iero always drove Mr. Iero to the station. They should be out until around seven anyway. 

After what felt like an age, the door swung open. Frank blinked up at Gerard, eyes widening for a second. He didn't say a word. 

"Uh, Frankie?" said Gerard. "Hey... you okay?" Frank seemed to be thinking. After another moment or two he nodded and stepped aside. 

"I didn't know you were coming." Frank said dryly, turning back into the house. He didn't motion for Gee to follow, but he did anyway. 

"Yeah, well, you weren't at school. I guess I just wanted to come see if you were alright-"

"Why wouldn't I be alright." snapped Frank. Gerard recoiled, stopping in the kitchen doorway, and watched Frank searching through the fridge. His movements were sharp, almost aggressive. Gee blinked. 

"Oh... I don't know... No particular reason I guess..." Frank didn't even acknowledge him. Gerard frowned, refusing to let the hurt show on his face. There was silence while Frank paced over to the other side of the kitchen. Gerard's skin was crawling. "So... what did you do today, then?"

Frank smirked. "What are you, my fucking wife?" he said, his voice cold. 

Right. 

"Frank... did I do something?"

"No, Gerard. You're perfect aren't you? What could you _possibly_ have done wrong?" said Frank, sitting down at the kitchen table, avoiding Gerard's eyes. Gee was glad, since he wasn't doing a very convincing job of keeping his emotions under wraps at this point. Aside from feeling wounded, he was just confused. He searched his brain for anything which could possibly have upset Frank. He came back with nothing. 

"I- I don't understand-" 

Frank laughed bitterly. 

"Of course you don't." he muttered. Gerard's hurt was beginning to sharpen to a low-burning anger. This was completely unfair. He'd come all the way here just to make sure his _best friend_ was alright and Frank was needlessly being so... mean. It sounded petty, but it was the truth. He was being mean. 

"What the fuck, Frank? What do you mean 'of course I don't'. If I don't understand, explain?" he said, hugging his arms close. For the first time in as long as he could remember, he felt small in Frank's presence. He felt unwelcome. 

"You want me to explain? Oh, okay then, Gee." spat Frank in a falsely bright tone. "Not that you've shown even the slightest interest in Lisa since I met her, so I guess you don't actually give a shit-" Frank held a hand up when Gerard scowled and went to open his mouth. "Don't fuck around, Gerard. I'd been getting with her for weeks before you even asked her  _name."_ he said, spinning in his chair to fully face his best friend. "So don't even  _try._ Anyway. Like you care, but she ditched me last night. The morning after the party she told me she didn't want to hang out any more."

"Frank- I-"

"By text message. She told me by text message." hissed Frank, staring at Gee, daring him to speak now, daring him to justify himself. Gerard's mouth was hanging open, trying to process what he'd just been told. 

Okay. 

Okay, maybe he'd been a little wrapped up in his own thoughts recently but...

surely..

Surely he can't have missed something like that. 

Lisa was a hook up? Wasn't that what Frank said? She was just a hook up. 

It wasn't like they'd been going out. It wasn't like he was really into her. They never went on a date or anything...

Did they? He couldn't remember. 

"Frank I thought- I'm sorry that she- I didn't think you felt that way about her-"

Frank laughed again, that same cold laugh which was so unlike him. The fire in his eyes sent a shiver down Gerard's spine. He didn't recognise the look on Frank's face.

"Yeah, no shit." he said, words dripping with venom.

For once in Gerard's life, he had nothing to say. He stood there, still in the doorway. When he realised his mouth was still hanging open he closed it, and gave a half-ditch attempt at a shrug. He hoped his brain would come back online sometime soon. 

Unfortunately, Frank was way ahead of him. 

"Can you just get the fuck out, please?" he said. Gerard's eyebrows knitted. He could feel the burn behind his eyelids which was becoming so familiar. "Did you fucking hear me, get out?" Frank shouted, standing up. If Gerard hadn't turned and fled at that exact moment, he might have seen the tears spill over his best friend's face. If he hadn't slammed the door so hard behind him, he might have heard the crash as Frank kicked at the furniture.

But no, Gerard was blind and deaf to everything happening in the house behind him. His stomach churned as he ran down the driveway, sleeves covering his face as he fought to regain control of his breathing. He only stopped when he reached the end of the road. He could feel the tightness in his chest; like rope preventing his ribcage from expanding. He clung to a lamp post to support himself, forcing deep gulps of air into his lungs. 

He sniffed as the fizzy feeling began to recede. He breathed deeply and stood for another few minutes- or maybe it was an hour- or a year. It didn't matter, he still felt like shit. He was still fighting with his best friend, again. As he dragged his feet along in the direction of the train station, his heart was heavy. The only thought driving him forward was the prospect of seeing his brother. He didn't care if he was early, he didn't care that he'd end up sitting there for over an hour. Mikey would be there. Mikey would make this better. 

Except, he couldn't. 

It didn't start to rain until Gee arrived at the station. He threw himself onto the floor underneath a bus shelter and put his head between his knees. He didn't call Mikey just yet. He needed a moment or two to figure out what the fuck had just happened. The walk over had been a swirl of equally depressing thoughts. If he could just sort out-

"Gerard."

Gee's head snapped up. He blinked at the sudden light. Was he hearing things?

"Gerard, you fuckwad, over here."

Mikey? Gee pushed himself up to his feet and walked over to the car. 

"Mikes, what are you doing here?" said Gerard, wiping determinedly at his eyes with his sleeve. Mikey looked up at him from the driver's seat and shook his head. 

"My god, you really didn't notice?" he said quietly. Gerard frowned at him in a way which said...'uhm...no.' "Gee, Dad called and asked me to pick you up from wherever you were at so we could go home and get dressed in time. I came to Franks twenty minuted ago, parked up the street, and as I was about to come get you, you run down the drive looking like you've been hit in the fucking face." Mikey ignored Gerard's expression. "So I drove up behind you, I was just gonna call you to get in the car but you looked- you know how you looked." he said sadly. "So I thought i'd just follow behind until you calmed down a little... but you didn't really calm down. Then you ended up here, so... Here I am..." he tailed off. Gerard, once again, was at a loss. Or maybe he just didn't have the energy to formulate words right now. That seemed accurate.

"You know what-" said Mikey softly. "Forget about it. Get in the car, let's go home and get changed." he said. There was a click as the doors unlocked. Thank fuck for Mikey's apparent mind reading abilities. Gerard leant down and hugged his brother tightly - and awkwardly -  through the window. Mikey squirmed the entire time, but smiled at Gerard when he straightened up. 

"Thanks, you're the best." he said, rounding the car to get in the passenger seat.

"Yeah, yeah, don't be an asshole about it." Mikey said, firing up the engine and shooting off out of the parking lot way too fast. Rain beat against the windows more heavily than ever, and Gerard was silently very, very thankful that his little brother existed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was a little short... more coming v s0on xo


	7. Needs Must

Gerard and Mikey sat side-by-side on the station platform in the failing light. It was quiet, and finally the rain had stopped, leaving a heavy heat in its wake. Gee, refusing to adhere to his parents' work-dinner dress code, was wearing one of his less ragged Tees and black jeans. Mikey, at least, was wearing a button down shirt.

Florescent blueish lights blinked on overhead. Gerard followed them with his eyes as they buzzed into action up and down the platform. It wasn't until the entire station was bathed in cool light that Gee noticed his brother looking at him. Gerard raised an eyebrow. Even though he'd avoided every mirror in the house, he could guess what he looked like. Tired, among other things.

"I'm sorry things went down the way they did at Frank's." said Mikey. Gerard wondered if Mikey had ever experienced anything close to the way he felt right now. He wondered if he felt this strongly about Alicia. Probably not yet. Maybe one day, if she survived their mom's questioning...

"Yeah, me too." he said, smiling sadly at his brother. "I keep getting on the wrong side of him recently. It's never happened before."

"What did you actually do?"

"I've told you, Mikes, I've been a shit friend. I  _completely_ failed to notice that he was dating this girl- Lisa. I didn't even know who she was. My best friend! And I didn't even know the chick he was seeing." 

Mikey stared out over the train tracks for a moment and frowned. 

"Well, did he ever talk about her?" he said, watching a couple on the other platform laughing together. Gerard rubbed his eyes with a thumb and finger. 

"I- I don't think so- but i've been so oblivious recently that I can't remember if-"

"And did he ever... I don't know... bring her to see you? Invite you to hang out with them?" said Mikey, ploughing on to cut off Gee's nervous rambling, his frown now cutting furrows between his eyebrows. Gerard blinked.

"Uh- no." he said. He opened his mouth to speak again, but this time cut himself off with a short shake of the head.

"Okay. So, he never brought her up, never asked you to-"

"I said I  _think_ he didn't bring her up."

"You hang onto every word that boy says." said Mikey with a wave of the hand. "If he'd talked about her, you'd remember." Gerard couldn't argue with that. Mikey shook his head and swivelled on the bench, pulling his legs up to criss-cross underneath him. "So, he didn't talk about her, he didn't ask you to meet her, he didn't make any implications that he was romantically involved with _anyone at all,_ and suddenly you're the bad guy here? I'm confused." said Mikey dryly .

"It's not like that." said Gerard, flapping his hands around. Except... was it? He hadn't thought of it that way. Mikey raised an eyebrow. Gerard scowled at him. "I mean, it wasn't like Frankie would-"

"I don't know what he was doing, Gee." said Mikey. "But he's sure made a fucking big deal out of nothing if you ask me. You honestly looked as if he beat you up when you came out of that house. I thought the two of you had a fist fight... but no.  _Apparently_ he's just whining because you failed to notice his completely invisible girlfriend."

"Mikes, don't be like that."

"No, I'm sorry, I can't help it. That's pathetic, Gee. You must have it really, really bad if you can't see that this has been blown completely put of proportion. If I were you I'd be mad at  _him_ for keeping his little 'girlfriend' a secret. I mean... that would be petty as fuck, but you get my point."

A train rushed past, blowing Gerard's hair up over his face in wisps. He smoothed them down with two fingers, looking utterly forlorn. Mikey sighed and leaned sideways against the back of the bench. He didn't like seeing his brother like this, and he didn't like to be the one to burst his little Frankie-bubble. Mikey loved Frank, if not quite as much as Gee did, he still thought of him like a brother... but this was ridiculous. Besides, he'd made Gerard  _cry._

"Okay." said Gerard weakly, with a small shrug. "Okay, so it's pathetic. He overreacted. What do you want me to do about it." Gerard said. Mikey sucked his lower lip into his mouth. If his Gee didn't look quite so helpless, Mikey might have been tempted to slap some sense into him.

"It's not what _I_ want you to do-"

"I mean, what are you saying? You think he just hates me for no reason." Gerard said, voice rising to a squeak. Mikey wasn't sure if he could handle another bout of tears from his brother. 

"Oh my god... Listen to me. He doesn't hate you. I'm sure he has a reason for acting like a complete moron-" Gerard shot him a look. "Okay. Fine, I'm sure there's a reason he's not  _himself_ right now, but all I was trying to say was don't beat yourself up about it. He's having issues and he's taking them out on you. He's probably just super cranky about breaking up with this Lisa girl who we've never fucking seen before." he said. Gerard was still looking at him disparagingly. "You can't deny it!" said Mikey. "You've never met her either."

Gerard dropped his head onto his hands and sighed.

"What do I do? I want to be there for him, but I can't do that if he's really fucking mad at me, even if it is technically over nothing." he said. Mikey nodded and looked up the tracks, letting the wind hit his face. It was definitely getting colder. He drew his jacket around him. The train shouldn't be long now. 

"I don't know, Gee." he muttered. He turned to his brother, who was staring blankly at the floor. "We'll figure something out, alright. Why not try to forget about it for now though? Let's just get through this dinner tonight." he said, reaching an arm out to pat Gerard's shoulder. He took a deep breath and sat up, closing his eyes briefly. 

"Yeah. Okay." he said, sitting up straight against the bench. There was no way he could forget about it. They both knew that. 

"Feeling any better?"

"Yeah, it's cool." said Gee, sitting up straighter. "I'll be okay. You're right, just got to get through tonight. Just 'til bedtime, right?" he said with a wry smile. Mikey laughed. 

It was a saying back from when they were kids. Gerard didn't know why it came to him now, It'd been a while since he'd heard it said aloud... On bad days their dad always used to remind them that, since there was no way tomorrow could be any worse, all they had to do was "hang in there 'til bedtime." The Way version of "The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow." 

Whatever. Maybe it was stupid, but it was familiar. And it instilled just the faintest touch of warmth in Gee's chest.

"That's right, brother." Mikey said, clearly relieved to see a genuine smile passing over Gerard's face. 

They both looked up as a more intense light cut through the dim platform, accompanied by the rumble of wheels on metal. 

"Time to go." said Gee to no-one, his voice lost in the sound of the train pulling in. The two of them got up and hurried across the platform. The drivers here were notorious for closing the doors cruelly early in order to maintain their on-time quotas. Gee and Mikey had learned that the hard way. 

As they stepped onto the carriage, Gee's phone buzzed in his pocket. He was going to ignore it. It would probably be Bob, or maybe Ray. They could wait a while. He was preparing himself mentally for small-talk at dinner, surely that was draining enough. They were looking for a seat when Gerard's curiosity got the better of him. He slipped his phone out just to check who it was, and his stomach dropped when he saw the name flashing along the top of the screen. 

Mikey also pulled to a halt when he realised Gerard wasn't behind him. 

"You okay?" he said. Gerard said nothing, just held his phone out in front of him. Mikey stepped forwards, pushing his glasses up his nose as he did so. He still needed to squint to read the message Gee was showing him. His eyes widened as he finished, and his gaze rose to his brother's face. 

"Go." he said. Gerard opened his mouth in protest. "I'll cover for you with Mom and Dad. Just go. This is more important right now." 

When Gerard still hadn't moved, Mikey stepped forwards, pushing at Gee with both hands. 

"Hurry the fuck up, loser. The train's going to leave." he said. Gerard finally clicked into action, waking quickly towards the doors. As soon as the words had left Mikey's mouth the whistle blew. Gerard just made it back out onto the windy platform before they swished shut behind him. He turned around in time to see Mikey shove the window up and call his name. Gerard squinted at him, just hearing; 

"Keys!" 

in time to put a hand out and protect himself against the metal hurtling towards him. The car keys landed on the floor a few feet away, but Gee stood to wave before he picked them up.  

"Thanks, Mikes!" he called as the train began to pull away. Mikey slammed the window shut, waving back with a small smile on his face, before disappearing from the window. Not long after that, the train was too far away to see anyway. Gee stayed there, blinking after the departing carriages, for a moment or so before he remembered the text message- and the keys- and the reason he'll probably be grounded forever when his parents find out he blew them off. 

He turned an ran out of the station and across the carpark - why Mikey had parked so far away, Gerard had no fucking idea - but soon enough he was in the car. With one final glance at his phone, he jammed the key into the ignition and threw the phone down onto the seat, face up. The message still shone out into the dark as Gee sped out of the parking lot. 

_I fucked up. I'm sorry. I need u rn._

_Start-over?_

_F_

 


	8. Wish For Amnesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY if you read this chapter before the 3rd of August, I HAVE CHANGED SHIT so re-read, or don't <3  
> Mxo

This time Frank was on the porch steps when Gerard drew up. He parked the car. At least this gave him no opportunity to hesitate; Frank had seen him. No turning back now. 

Smoke drifted through the light cast from the kitchen window as Frank exhaled, cigarette loosely hanging between two fingers. Gerard walked up the driveway slowly, unsure what to do with his hands. He didn't say anything as he reached the porch, just sat down next to his best friend and stared out into the street. Frank sighed and held his cigarette out to Gee, who blinked at it for a few seconds before talking it, eyeing Frank's face as he did so. He hadn't looked up. 

"I'm sorry." Frank said quietly. Gerard took a long drag and handed the cig back. 

"Thank you." 

"I shouldn't have spoken to you like that." 

"I guess I could have paid a little bit more attention." said Gerard gently, shifting his shoulders towards Frank, who shook his head. 

"Nah, man. You've been doing good. I've just...fuck." he whispered, still gazing pointedly anywhere other than at Gerard. 

"Is there... Is this about Lisa?" asked Gee. It really was a question. He had no idea. "Or is it bad with your parents again-" Frank shook his head at once. Gee studied the side of Frank's face. It gave him no clues. "Then what?" he said. "I mean... I assume you wanna tell me? It's cool if you don't, just say the word and I'll back off." Frank shook his head again, and then dropped it into his hands, elbows resting on his knees. Gee was concerned that the cigarette would burn his hair, but he kept it to himself.

"It's not that I don't want to, I..." Gerard couldn't see Frank's face behind his hands, but if he had, then he would have seen Frank's eyes squeezed tightly closed. He might have seen him willing the tears away, or heard his shaky breath while he composed himself. "I just..." there was another long pause, Gerard waited. "I really miss her." he said tightly. He turned his face away so Gee couldn't see his expression, or the balled fist he held down by his side. 

Gee tried not to appear too disappointed. 

"Oh...well... I'm sorry she ditched you. That was pretty sucky of her, dude. I mean... She obviously had no idea how lucky she had it. She must have been blind or something. Not that you're just looks, though. I mean, you look awesome too. I just meant...like.. maybe she was blind and deaf. I'm just- I'm trying to say you're rad and I don't get why..." 

Gerard continued to ramble, making a vague attempt to scramble back to safer ground. He had no idea where he thought he was going with this. He was so busy digging himself into a hole that he didn't realise Frank turning to face him. A number of emotions passed over his face before he managed to force himself into a suitably neutral expression, all of which went unnoticed by Gee.

"Gerard." he said quietly. Gee finally faltered himself to silence and his eyes drifted up to meet Frank's. He was surprised by what he saw. Frank looked... confused? Curious? he couldn't quite place it. And without any time to think anything else at all, Gerard's heart stopped. Because Frank Iero was leaning closer, and without any warning whatsoever, Gerard Way was kissing his best friend on the porch of his house, four minutes before his parents were due to pull into the driveway. 

A rush of thoughts flooded Gerard, most of them extremely good ones, but it was only a matter of seconds before reality washed over him in a cold wave. Frank was upset, he was just distracting himself. Frank didn't like him like that. Frank was messing around. Frank was... kissing him. 

Gerard responded at once, he couldn't help it. His stomach felt like it was trying to break free, flopping around alarmingly. He knew that he shouldn't do this to himself. He tried to pull away, he really did, but it was too... He'd been wanting this for so long. He was beginning to think maybe longer than he'd let himself realise. He thought that maybe he'd been wanting this ever since he met Frank at age 7. Maybe he'd been wanting this since before he was even born. 

Before Gerard knew it, Frank was moving closer, he felt Frank's hand on his arm, and - as reluctant as he might have been to let it - it snapped it from his wishful thinking. He hated himself as he put a hand gently to Frank's chest. He knew he had to do this now. If Frank deepened the kiss he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to stop. 

"Frankie." he said breathlessly, lips still only a few inches from Frank's. He couldn't look up. If he looked at Frank now, it would give him away, he was sure of it. He couldn't let Frank know how much it meant to him. This was nothing to Frank. He was sad, he was feeling rejected. Gerard was just his pick-up. He was just convenient. He was just  _there._

"What?" said Frank. Gee was too preoccupied to register how shaky his best friend sounded, or the pure fear in his eyes. 

"That- you can't." Gerard shook his head, shuffling backwards a little. Frank's breath caught, but a gust of wind stole the sound away. By the time Gee finally felt like he could look up, Frank had arranged his expression, hiding his hurt, fighting back his tears. Instead he frowned and pulled his arms into his lap. 

"We- I thought- why?" he said, edge returning to his voice. It was like a knife in Gerard's chest. Making Frank mad again was the last thing he wanted. This was just too much. It was too much to take when he knew it meant nothing. 

"It's not fair on me, Frankie. We talked about this before. I'm not an experiment, okay? You can't experiment on me." He flicked his eyes up to meet Frank's. All he could see was confusion there. "I know you're upset," he said carefully, returning his gaze to the porch steps and trying to keep his breathing under control. "but I don't think it's fair to me to use me to fix that. Not if you don't... Not if I'm just a fix, okay? You know how I feel about that. I don't like being the experiment." he said, biting hard on his lower lip. Frank didn't respond for a moment. Gee didn't dare to look up. Something unidentifiable flashed over Frank's features.

"But what if it wasn't a-" He cut himself off as the sound of an engine broke the still evening air. Gerard was almost glad. He didn't have the energy to argue with Frank anymore. They'd had this discussion almost a year ago when Frank couldn't quite grasp why Gee wasn't down to fool around with him at their first Junior party.  

>>> ** _"But you're gay." Frank had said, blinking in a way which, with the volume of illegal substances in his blood stream, shouldn't have been adorable. "And you love me. And I love you... and I'm bored. And you're bored. And your lips look soft." he said. _**

**_ Gee remembered that entire evening. He hadn't even been drunk, though he may have led Frank to believe he was afterwards... They were sitting in a dusty basement, could barely see their hands in front of their faces for the haze of smoke. At some point the others, who had been playing an extremely dangerous game of darts, had ambled away in search of more booze. Frank and Gerard found themselves alone, and Frank had been staring at Gerard's lips to the point where it freaked him out.  _ **

**_"Like...really soft." slurred Frank, reaching a hand out to touch them. Gee, who'd been giggling the entire time, batted at Frankie's hand._ **

**_"What are you doing!"_ **

**_"If you won't let me kiss 'em, I have to feel 'em." Frank had mumbled, leaning forwards until Gerard had felt his breath on his cheek. Ray had arrived moments later, triumphant, with a joint Matt rolled him. Frank pulled away from Gerard as naturally as if he hadn't just been about to stick his fingers all up in his face. He made grabby hands at Ray for the joint, and just like that the moment was over._ **

**_It wasn't until a few weeks later, when they were both sober, that Frank brought it up. Gerard had thought for a long time after that party. Why hadn't he just said yes? They were just messing around, it wouldn't have done any harm. But he came to the conclusion; the conclusion which he told Frank and the one which he sticks to until this day; that he didn't want to spend any more time than necessary feeling like his sexuality was at the disposal of others. Sure, if someone wanted to hook up because they thought he was pretty, sure. Awesome. He wished that would happen! But if he was just a curiosity-tester, he wasn't interested._ **

**_He didn't want to be everyone's "gay experience", or their "it-was-just-a-phase". Besides, he had the tendency to get attached... as he now knew all too well._ **

**_At the time, he didn't realise quite why he became panicky at the thought of getting with Frank, though. He knew Frank liked him for his personality, he was going to stick around even if he was just "bored", but something in the pit of his stomach twisted at the thought of kissing him that night, and having to go back to being his "best buddy" tomorrow. Gerard didn't put a lot of thought into it yet. There would be time for that later. About 6 months later.._**. <<<

Seven o'clock, bang on time, headlamps illuminated the street. Frank and Gee turned just in time to be dazzled by the light swinging over the driveway as Mrs. and Mr. Iero returned from work. 

"You need to go." said Frank softly. Gerard nodded, unsure where he stood now. The rush of emotions in his brain felt like a waterfall. Frank didn't acknowledge him any further, gathering his cigarette butts into his old packet and shoving them into a pocket. Gee watched him for a moment from the bottom of the steps. He finally admitted defeat when he heard a car door open from the garage. Without a word Frank turned and disappeared into the house, closing the door silently behind him. 

Gerard didn't know what he'd done wrong. _Had_ he done something wrong? He didn't think so. He probably shouldn't have kissed back... but why should Frank care? Maybe it seemed like Gee didn't care enough... but that wouldn't be fair. Gerard was pretty sure make-out services were not on the best-friend agenda. He trudged over to his car and sat in the driver's seat for a good few minutes. He saw Frank's bedroom light blink on, and then blur as tears began to fall down his face. 

Fuck, he was pathetic today. 

He sniffed determinedly and jammed the key into the ignition. This wasn't his fault, he reminded himself. 

Who cares, a voice said from the back of his mind. Who cares whose fault it is? If you lose him, you lose him. It doesn't matter why. Once he's gone, you're fucked. 

The voice was right, so Gerard smothered it with aggressive music on the drive home. As soon as he pulled up to the house (too fast, way too fast.) he bolted out of the car and ran straight to Mikey's room. He headed straight for the bookshelf where he knew Mikes kept a stash... he'd have to pay him back later. 

He needed this now. 

He pulled out a small plastic bag, inside a paper bag, which sat behind an encyclopaedia Mikey had never even picked up. Next, he grabbed his heaviest coat from the back of the closet and grabbed his rollies from his basement, before hightailing it into the back yard to light up. 

He just hoped the elderly couple living behind them were fast asleep... and that their windows were closed.

It had been too long a day. His parents were going to shout at him when he got home for ditching dinner. His best friend had just kissed him and then got mad when he protested? Was that what he was mad about? Was he mad at all? He needed Mikey for this shit, and Mikey wasn't going to be around until his parents were... and Gee would probably be passed out by then. 

Hopefully. 

Fuck. He should have ignored that text message. 

"Hang in there 'til Bedtime, Gerard." he mumbled to himself through a cloud of smoke that burnt his lungs and brought tears to his eyes. This time, though, it didn't help.

 


	9. Fingers Like Fire Crackers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OI it's been a while but now I'm back to resume your regularly programmed Frerard, god help us all
> 
> ***

Gerard sat alone outside school the next morning, his parents' scolding ringing in his ears and a fierce hang over settled behind his eyes. He shouldn't have moved onto Gin after he'd smoked all of Mikey's hard-earned weed. Hindsight is always 20/20.

He lit his third cigarette of the morning and sighed at the realisation that it was the last of the packet.

Something moving across the quad made him look up. It was Frank. Gee watched him from afar as he walked up the steps to school, head down. Gee sank into the shadow of the Art Building and ground out his cigarette. He didn't know what the fuck he was going to do all day. There was no way in hell he was facing Frank. He'd be surprised if he managed to get his ass to lessons. 

In the end he did go. Frank was right, he was a kiss-ass without his best friend to corrupt him. With the exception of the smoking, drinking, average grades and generally delinquent behaviour, he was a model student. 

Mikey repeatedly tried to catch his eye throughout the day. Gerard ignored him. They hadn't had an opportunity to speak that morning. Mikey had taken so long straightening his hair that their father ordered Gerard to leave without him. Mikey still hadn't been dropped off by the time Gerard finally trudged off to class. First he saw of him was after first period, leaning against his locker, eyebrow raised in question. Gerard barrelled right past him to second period without so much as a second glance. 

He wasn't in the mood. He was only three hours in and the day was already exhausting. Sober and left to his thoughts during hours of boring class did nothing to distract him from the whole my-best-friend-kissed-me-last-night thing. Gerard tapped his eraser against the table during maths, pulling his hood up over his head in the hopes that no-one, teacher or student, would disturb him. Unfortunately, it was no defence against his ruthless brain. 

Frank had always been cuddly, but this was something else altogether. This wasn't snuggling on the couch watching Tim Burton movies.

Gerard didn't let himself near any of his more hopeful thoughts. He locked those safely away in the back of his mind, along with the rest of the fantasies he kept hidden there. 

Frank wasn't interested, he reminded himself. Fuck knows how many times he'd repeated that sentence to himself. 

Gerard ran a quick inventory of the facts. Frank hadn't been drunk, as far as Gee could tell. He definitely wouldn't have been high at home, so Gerard could rule that out too. Apparently he'd been upset about this phantom Lisa girl who no-one had ever met. Gee had no solid reason to dispute it, but Mikey's words popped back into his head; Frank never brought her up before the party, Frank had never invited her to meet them. Maybe it was a little weird, but if there was something else the matter he would have told Gerard? Right?

The bell pierced through his worrying, forcing him to get to his feet and trudge to his next lesson.

Lunch finally drew around and Gerard was feeling no better. He'd stared miserably at the back of Frank's head for the whole of the last period. Neither of them had made any efforts to talk to each other. Frank slipped out of the classroom before the bell had even rung out, not that Gee would have tried to stop him. As he walked out to the bleachers by himself he resigned himself to a life of confusion. He accepted solemnly that he would never have any clue what the fuck was going on with his best friend ever again. He would probably have to live as a hermit just to avoid the eternal strain of it all. 

He was about to dump himself down on the patchy grass when he patted his pockets for his phone and swore under his breath. There was no way he was going to be able to last an hour without music. He half-heartedly wandered back and forth for a few moments deciding whether it would be worth walking all the fucking way back to his locker to get it. 

Apparently it was, because a few minutes later Gerard was stomping up the back steps, looking broody enough to repel any jocks tempted to interfere with him on his way. He was rounding the corner to his locker when he caught sight of a small figure leaning against the wall, gaze cast downward. Gee's stomach sank as he took in the figure's fauxhawk and ratty black jeans. Just what he needed. It was too late to melt back off down the hall, Frank had turned to face him. He was leaning between Gerard's locker and the bathroom door. Awesome. No escape. 

What was he doing out of lunch anyway? 

Of course, thought Gerard as he drew to a stop a few metres away, Frank had fallen out with pretty much everyone in the universe. He probably wasn't welcome at lunch right now. Still, this gave him no excuse to be hanging around outside Gee's locker. 

Without a word Frank unfolded his arms and held up a hand, holding a small black phone. Gerard's phone. Gee scowled as his headphones uncurled from Frank's hand and spiralled, hanging from the phone like tiny black vines. 

"What are you doing?" asked Gerard in his best disinterested voice. 

"What are _you_ doing?" said Frank, suddenly stepping forward and pressing the phone into Gerard's hand, closing his fingers around it with the other hand. Before Gee had time to process any other thought, Frank's hand was at his chest, pushing him backwards through the bathroom door. For a strange moment Gerard wondered if Frank was going to mug him. 

He said nothing, letting himself be pushed back up against the sink. Frank's face hovered an inch or so below his, looking up at him. Gerard's brain was still catching up with the whole situation, so when Frank smiled slightly and murmured;

"You should stop thinking too much."

all he could do was close his eyes as Frank reached up and pressed their lips together. 

For the second time in 24 hours, Gee found his mouth reacting without his permission. Frank pressed his whole body up against Gerard's, sending warm sparks deep into the pit of his stomach. When Frank found no resistance, one hand slid down to Gee's waist, while the other found it's way to his neck. Gerard felt something break deep in his gut and for a second he thought he might cry, but then Frank slipped his tongue into Gee's mouth and he stopped thinking altogether. 

For a second. 

Maybe a second too long. 

Eventually, after who knows how long, Gerard dragged himself to his senses and repeated last-night's action, placing a hand onto Frank's chest and breaking away gently. Frank looked up at him in silence, one hand still resting on Gerard's waist. He didn't look angry this time. Gerard couldn't place his expression. Since when did this whole best-friend thing become such a fucking guessing game?

"This is a public bathroom" croaked Gerard. Frank raised an eyebrow. "Frankie, I thought we uh- I thought we talked about this last night." Gee said after clearing his throat. He tried to shake his braincells back into action. 

"We did." said Frank. Gerard blinked at him. 

"Then what's with the whole ambush and... you know..." squealed Gerard, motioning between the two of them. Only there wasn't a lot of motion space, so he sort of ended up brushing Frank's nose a little. He didn't seem to notice. 

"Well, you said that you didn't want to be an experiment, and I'm not experimenting." said Frank, the tremble finally breaking through in his voice. Gerard frowned and Frank finally stepped back, mysterious facade slipping away quickly and giving way to something a lot more unsettling on a small punk; nervousness.

"Frankie." said Gerard with a sigh, drawing his shoulders up and running both hands over his face. "Tell me if i'm missing something here, but we just made out twice in the last two days, and that's pretty much more than we've actually, like, talked. You're supposedly mad at me? Like, I'm getting mixed signals here. I get that you're sad about this chick or whatever, but making out with your best friend won't-"

"For fuck's sake, you dense prick!" shouted Frank, taking another step back. He raised his own hands to his forehead and stared at Gerard with wide eyes. "Mikey really hasn't said anything to you, has he?" he said, pacing around a little. Gerard just stared back at him. 

"Mikey? What would Mikey-" he said, beginning to frown. 

"Never fucking mind. Listen, you oblivious moron, I'm not making out with you because I'm sad over some chick. I'm not making out with you because i'm alone, or bored or any other weird bullshit reason. I'm making out with you because I find you incredibly fucking attractive and I'm in _love_ with you, you fucking piece of shit." said Frank, waving his arms in front of him. When Gerard made no attempt to reply, Frank slumped a little, and brought a hand up to his mouth. The nervous look was back. Gerard's lips were parted as he stared at Frankie, who was slowly deteriorating into a puddle of freak-out. He was more jittery than Gerard had ever seen him, meanwhile Gee still wasn't managing to kickstart himself into action. 

His first thought was that he was dreaming. This would certainly not be the first time he'd had such a dream. Only, the love confession usually came after something a little more exciting than a half-assed make-out session. His heart raced, and he was pretty sure there was a herd of elephants in his stomach. 

"Frank." he said softly. Frank twitched. "If you're fucking with me-"

"Oh my god." said Frank. "It's worse than Mikey said." he mumbled, turning to face the back wall, before spinning another 180 degrees to face forwards again. "Dude!" he said when he was met, once again, with a vacant Gerard. "Are you going to fucking say anything else or do I need to go dig myself a hole to die in?" he said, pointing with his thumb in the direction of the hallway. 

It was supposed to be a joke, but the desperation in his voice sort of shot that horse in the face. 

Gerard was still having trouble articulating, a problem from which he did not often suffer. So he did something he'd never done before in his life. He took the fucking initiative, stepped forwards, fisted Frank's T-shirt in his hand and kissed him.

***

They wandered back to the cafeteria like men arriving from a different planet. There was a careful meter of space between them, but Gerard was buzzing happily from the inside out. At this point he didn't care if Frank was having some sort of Quart-Life Crisis, if the universe was so insistent that Frank wanted to make out with him, then so be it. 

" _I'm in love with you, you fucking piece of shit_ " was throwing itself around Gerard's head like a demented bird. 

As they located their friends by spotting Ray's 'fro bobbing around, all Gee was thinking was  _ **I didn't say it back, I didn't say it back, I didn't say it**   **back**._

Gerard sat down next to Bob, who was playing cards with Ray. He grunted a 'hello' as Gee arrived, but ignored Frank, who placed himself carefully opposite Gerard. Mikey had fixed Gerard with a sharp gaze from across the table. Gee just smiled at him and slid his gaze onto Frank, who's eyes were already fixed on him. They shared a moment of some weird understanding before Ray nudged Frank and the spell was broken. Lunch went on as usual. 

Mikey shot the pair of them suspicious glances, periodically reminding Gerard that he had to interrogate his brother about the fact that he'd said  _something to Frank about this fucking situation and should Gerard hug him or beat him up?_

Bob and Frank didn't speak, which was best case scenario to be honest. Ray was only a little suspicious that Gerard looked so happy. Frank was neutral on the surface, but kept finding Gerard's legs with his under the table. The contact burnt a warm hole right through Gerard's gut. In a totally good way.

They hadn't actually spoken much in the bathroom. Gerard decided that if this was some weird misunderstanding somehow, then he was going to enjoy it for as long as possible. They'd left the bathroom hand in hand, but Frank jumped a mile when he caught sight of a jock down the hall. Gee didn't want to push anything, so he left it alone. They didn't discuss where they were going, it was non-verbally understood. They were back together, in whatever variation of "together" this was. So they belonged in the cafeteria. So that was where they went. 

The rest of the day passed in a daze. Gerard replayed scenes from the bathroom on repeat in every class, blushing furiously whenever someone tried to get his attention. He was doing nothing for his reputation as the scary vampire-kid, but he literally couldn't find it within himself to care. He could almost feel his skin tingling where Frank had slipped a hand under his shirt. 

He didn't stop and wonder what it meant any more. Mikey would help him with that later. He didn't even consider talking to Frank about it. They hadn't said a word to each other since leaving the bathroom. He felt like he needed to organise his thoughts before he was ready for  _that_ conversation. 

Plus, he was desperate to spring the Spanish Inquisition on Mikey in order to determine whether he needed to kick his ass or buy him flowers. The sooner the school day was over, the better.  


	10. Find The Calm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does this writing style work? I'm still kind of struggling with it.  
> ***  
> Oops sorry I didn't post yesterday, working on another fic which was meant to be a onset and ended up becoming MONUMENTALLY MORE TIME CONSUMING THAN ANTICIPATED I may post it if it gets finished  
> ***  
> Also go listen to No Country For Old Musicians, it's a rad album  
> <3
> 
> <3

"Mikeyway hold it right there." said Gerard, arms folded by the front door. Mikey froze on the stairs. 

After a silent car journey, Gerard wasn't about to let Mikey slip to his room. Mikey's sheepish expression when Gee had brought him home from school was almost amusing. Mikey had chased Gee all morning to find out what was going on, but as soon as lunch was over, he'd avoided his brother like the plague. Gee had let him. Now he was onto him, he needed to plan his line of attack, and he needed a good solid hour free before he was ready to set off on this line of inquiry. 

"Boys?" came his mother's voice from the kitchen. Gerard shifted his gaze for just long enough to smile sweetly at his mother, who was peeking into the living room. He was in no position to push himself further into the doghouse. Plus, his father was still harbouring resentments about the front-yard fiasco. 

"You two are back nice and early." she said, blinking at them as if she was deciding whether to be suspicious or not. 

"Gerard, I hope you're not planning on heading out again." Mr. Way said, appearing behind his wife in the doorway. "We have a family dinner to make up for." He peered over his glasses at his son. Gerard ignored Mikey's muffled snigger from the staircase. 

"No, Dad. I'm staying right here." he said, willing himself not to roll his eyes. Eighteen years old and still being talked to like he was in middle school. "I was- uh-" Gerard saw Mikey edging up the stairs in the corner of his eye. "Mom!" he said brightly, stepping forwards, suddenly hit by an idea. "I was about to ask Mikes to come hang out downstairs. Watch some movies or something. So, I was actually hoping we could maybe have dinner in the basement like we used to." 

He could almost feel Mikey stiffen. Checkmate, he thought to himself. Meanwhile, their mom's heart was melting. 

"Oh, honey," she beamed, turning to Mr. Way with her hands clasped to her chest. "I'm sure we can manage without the boys for just one more evening." she said. Mr. Way grunted and pushed his glasses up his nose, for a moment looking uncannily like his youngest son. With a swift nod he vanished back into the kitchen. Mrs. Way turned back to Gerard, who was maintaining an angelic expression from across the living room. 

"Mikey!" said Mrs. Way "Come back here, honey. I'll make you boys some snacks and then i'll leave you to yourselves, alright." she smiled at her kids, no doubt imagining them both as they were seven years ago. She looked between them for a moment with a soft smile on her face before following her husband into the other room. 

Gerard punched a fist into the air and blew on his index finger like the barrel of a gun.

"Fuck you." grumbled Mikey, descending the stairs as slowly as humanly possible. 

***

"What do you mean 'I needed some help'!?" squealed Gerard, waving his hands around. Mikey stared steadily at him from the desk chair. Gee had been pacing around ever since they'd finished dinner. He wanted to be sure his mother wasn't still hovering around when they launched into the whole Frank thing.

"You both did, Gee. You just needed a, like, nudge. You know?" 

"Okay, stop." said Gerard. "You need to start from the beginning again."

Mikey heaved a world-weary sigh. 

"Fine. For the final time,Gerard. Frankie called me at around midnight yesterday, long after you'd passed out in my room." he added with a stormy glare. "And he was pretty fucked up, spilling all this stuff about how he was 'damned eternally' and he 'couldn't take it anymore.'" said Mikey, making lazy air quotes. Gerard scowled at him. "Then, when I got him to calm down he just kind of told me that God hated him because he had this huge thing for you, and has done for like...ever." Gerard's stomach swooped, even though it was _at the very least_ the third time he'd made his brother repeat the sequence of events. 

"Anyway," Mikey continued. "He made me swear black and blue I wouldn't tell you. We were on the phone for over an hour talking about the whole sexuality deal. I was a little scared to be honest. I mean, when you came out I didn't even know what being gay really was, so it was easy to talk to you about it. Plus you were pretty sure of yourself. Frankie was having a mini-meltdown. I'm gonna leave you guys to talk about it. He'll tell you about that when he's ready." Mikey shifted again, pushing his glasses up his face. "Then- I don't know- at first I wasn't going to interfere or anything, but he sounded so torn up about the whole Christianity thing, plus the unrequited thing and I just... I maybe just hinted that it wasn't a totally lost cause. Like, at least if he was disappointing Jesus, he wasn't wasting his time on you, you know."

"' _maybe just hinted'"_ said Gerard. Mikey frowned and covered his ears against Gerard's rising tone. 

"Dude, he sounded pitiful. He thought he'd fucked your friendship in the ass, sticking his tongue down your throat like that. He sounded like he was going to do something... I don't know... something drastic. I had to say something." Mikey held a hand out at his brother's pleading look. "I've told you, Gee. I'm not telling you what I said. If Frankie wants to tell you, then he will. I'm done with this middle-man-messenger bullshit. Go and have a fucking conversation with him for once. I'm out." said Mikey, leaning back.  

Gerard held his hands up to his chest and flopped back onto the bed. Mikey rolled his eyes. 

"Drama queen." he muttered. Gerard ignored him, humming something under his breath. "So, uh, about that movie then?"

***

That Friday was strange. Gerard cornered Frank before class the next morning. Frank dragged him into some dark cubby behind the Art block where they made out until the bell rang. Gee kept meaning to talk to him, but at every free period or break time, Frank vanished. After school he was out of the gate before Gerard had even closed his locker. His phone went to voicemail that evening. 

An hour or so after dinner, Mikey found himself, once again, comforting a tearful Gerard. He reminded him that Frankie probably had a lot of thinking to do. Gee woke up the next day too hot in a tangle of blankets. He was on the wrong end of the bed. When he checked his cell his heart lept. There were four messages from Frank. Two of them were too questionable to show Mikey, but the other two he felt that he should. 

_let's keep this between me u and M 4 now, b?_

and 

_Sorry for leaving so quick yesterday. I'll come over l8r? We'll talk._

Just as Mikey was reading the last message, another one beeped along the top of the screen. 

_& maybe do other stuff... _

Gerard blushed furiously and snatched his phone back. Mikey just muttered "Ew." and returned to his computer game. Gee was too preoccupied to notice Mikey keeping a watchful eye on him for the rest of the morning. 

***

Frank arrived at about 4. As soon as the doorbell rang Mikey magically disappeared without a trace. As Gerard stumbled to the door he took a moment to appreciate his brother's supernatural senses.

They sat downstairs in comfortable silence for a little while. The air was charged. Something about Gee knowing his feelings were reciprocated sent prickles up and down his spine every few seconds, and that was totally fine with him. 

"Gee." said Frank after a while. And Gerard took a breath as he watched the expression on his best friend's face. "I want to get the stupid shit out of the way first, alright?"

Gerard didn't know what that meant, but he nodded and crossed his legs under him. He watched Frank patiently as he fiddled with the duvet. 

"Gee. It's- uh- this whole thing's been kinda hard. I'm sorry I've been such an ass to everyone, but mainly to you. You never deserved it. And now, you know, with all this-" he motioned between them. "I'm just sorry for making this so much fucking harder for both of us." 

Gerard shook his head but remained silent, obediently refraining from interrupting. 

"To a certain extent i'm still- I'm not out of that bad place yet, Gee, but i'm getting there." he said, looking into Gerard's eyes and leaning forward. "But I'm learning to come to terms with something i've been, like, subconsciously trying to suppress ever since... ever since I figured out how to jack off, I guess." he said, with a huff of a laugh. Gee smiled sympathetically, he'd been there. 

"For like six months now I've been trying to convince myself that what I feel for you is just, like, normal best-friend stuff. I mean, you're  _supposed_ to love your best friends. That's why they're your best friends. For a few months I was on-and-off okay. I was dipping in and out of complete, all-out denial, and thinking maybe, somehow you could even like me back. Some days I even let myself freely think about it, imagine... stuff, you know. And then something would come up at church, or on TV, and my parents would remind me what they thought of being queer in any way pretty much. A couple of weeks ago there was this service on Leviticus at the church. It's so stupid, I wasn't even going to go that day, but mom convinced me. I came out of that service and I realised. That's me they're talking about. I don't know what made me snap. Maybe it was all those twisted interpretations, or exaggerated punishments. Maybe just the condescending bullshit of it all, but something snapped and... I just knew. I wasn't denying it anymore, or questioning it, even. I knew. I was, I am..."

"Gay." said Gerard softly, before covering his mouth. "Sorry. No interrupting." Frank smiled sadly at him and shook his head, dismissing the apology. 

"Maybe. In love with a boy anyway." he said softly, Gerard's breath hitched and Frank smiled, scratching at his hair. Gee inched closer and Frank put a hand on his leg, gaze downcast. "And the worst part is, I still feel like it's a nightmare." he whispered. "I'm so sorry. I know it's not wrong. I  _know_ that it's not." he said, quietly, but rough. "But I feel like it is. And I feel like  _i_ am, and it hurts." he said, ducking his head. Gerard heard his breathing hitch, but it wasn't until Frank covered his mouth with the end of his hoodie sleeve that Gerard realised he was crying. 

"Frankie." he said, edging over to him on the bed.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise to me, Frankie."

Frank shook his head and made a muffled noise. Gee slipped an arm around his waist and gently rested his head against Frank's, listening to his breathing even out. He didn't know what he could say, so hoped that the physical contact would convey what he was thinking. Frank leant into him with a sniff and then sat up again.

"You okay?" Gerard asked. Frank nodded and rubbed a hand over his eyes, exhaling heavily. 

"Yes. Sorry."

"Don't- Frank I get it, alright." he said. Frank nodded again. Taking a shaky breath and mopping at his face once more with his sleeve.

"Okay," he said determinedly. "Okay. My point there was <i>supposed</i> to be that I'm okay now-" 

Gerard cocked his head with a raised eyebrow. Frank let out a shaky giggle. 

"No, like, I mean, It was a whole lot worse when I thought I was going to be dealing with it alone." he said, casting a meaningful look at Gerard, who was sure he felt his heart skip. 

"You could always have told me Frankie. Even if I didn't like you that way. I mean, me of all people, I would never have-"

"Shut up, moron." said Frank. "You know what I mean. The whole, having a totally unrequited homo-crush on you. That shit would have sucked. But I have you, now." Frank's eyes widened. "I mean, I know that you- we- I didn't mean I _have_ you. If you don't want to-"

Gerard sat forward, reaching for Frank's hands to silence him. He looked up carefully and took a breath. 

"Frankie. You have me." he said. Frank closed his eyes for a moment and nodded. 

"Fuck this is fucking corny as fuck." he said, pulling his hands out of Gerard's to wipe his eyes again. Gerard giggled. 

"What did you expect, it's all rainbows on this side, Frankie." he said. Frank glared at him. "Sorry."

"So. Bottom line is, I haven't made my peace with the whole God Vs. The Gays thing. Maybe mom drilled me too hard for too long. I don't fucking know, is the truth. But, I  _do_ know how I feel about this, Gee." Gerard flushed despite himself. Fuck, he was a total no-hoper. 

"Most of the thinking I did yesterday was about this." said Frank carefully. "I went out to the park, you know, the crack-pipe one 'round the back of the school?" he said, pointing as if Gerard would be able to see the park through his bedroom wall. Gee nodded anyway. "Yeah, well I left my phone and I just went back there until it got dark, and here's what I want to say. I promised myself I would say this, even if it's, like- whatever..." 

"What is it?" Gee prompted quietly, hand resting in Frank's lap, feeling the warmth of him. Loving that he was allowed to be this close now and it meant exactly what he wanted it to mean.

"Basically,  we loved each other before this whole thing went down, and I don't even know what the difference between  _in_ love and love is but whatever, I figured that one was a small leap. And, the truth is I want to be with you. The honest fucking truth is that I would move to India with you and live as a goat-shepherd if you asked me to. You're my best friend, and whatever we add onto that is just extra. I never want to lose what we have already." Frank paused and tilted his head in a do-you-agree motion. Gerard nodded at once, desperately trying to regain control of his voice box, seeing as his brain was flickering in and out of focus. Frank loved him. Frank loved him. Frank loved him. 

He'd said it properly now. He'd said it without anger, or confusion. He'd said it in Gerard's room, sitting cross-legged on the bed like they had every weekend since middle school. It was so painfully normal, but so, so new. 

"Yeah." he managed to mumble after a few seconds. "Friendship first." he said. Frank nodded quickly. 

"And because of that I- I don't fucking want to do this to you." Frank said, voice shaking a little again. Gerard squeezed his leg. "Because I get that it's not fair on you. It's not fair to ask you this, but I have to." He said, and Gerard's heart began to splinter as tears began to roll down Frank's face again. "If we're gonna try this, we can't tell anyone" he said, twisting his fingers together painfully. Gerard blinked at him. 

Eventually he drew in a breath. 

"You mean we can be together." he said slowly. "But it has to be a secret."

Frank nodded, watching Gerard's expression like a hawk. 

"And, Gee, It's not because i'm ashamed or embarrassed, because holy-motherfucking-christ you're so fucking pretty I would kill to be seen in public with you. Those gay guys in the music block would be so fucking jealous, you don't even know." said Frank, looking wistful for a few seconds. Gerard felt a burn returning to his cheekbones, but his face fell again when Frank shook his head. "But I can't show you off yet." he said. "And I get it if it's too much to ask. But I can't let my parents find out. Call me a coward, or whatever, but I can't. They'd get me sent somewhere for, like, ever and then i'd never see you at all and, I fucking hate that I'm asking you this. I hate that i'm risking our friendship because I can't lose you but-" Frank stumbled to a stop because even Gerard could hear his breath pitching. He stayed silent, letting him gather his thoughts.

"Gerard, once we're out of this hell-hole, I want you to move in with me." he said suddenly, pulling his lip-ring into his mouth and biting down.

Gee expected him to finish that thought... When they were at college? After college? One day? but Frank just sat there looking expectant, eyes wide like a little deer or something. An emo deer.  

"You- You want me to live with you?" he said. Frank nodded briefly, eyes trained on Gerard's. "Frankie, when? I mean, not at your parents'?" he said softly, feeling slow. Was he missing something?

"If it's cool with you, I was hoping we could do something after summer. My mom told me she'd help me get a flat next year as long as I promise to work all summer to help pay first month's rent, and she wants me in some kind of education after highschool... I want you to come live there with me. 'Cause I want to do this. I want to show you how much I want to do this." he said. "You just gotta give me a few months. Then I'm all yours. Properly all yours."

"Frankie... I'd love to, I just don't-"

"I mean, we basically live together already, right? I see you all the fucking time. To be honest, I would have asked you even if we didn't get ourselves into this mess... I love you, man. I want to spend every day with you. Especially if this year's going to be hard on us. I don't want to lose you. I just want to hang out with you, like, forever." he said. Gerard giggled. 

"Dude, did you just propose." he said, nudging Frank in the arm. Frank nudged back.

"Fuck no. You're such a diva, I could never afford a ring for you." he said, finally laughing properly. Gerard smiled at him, watching him drop his gaze back to the bedclothes. "Not yet anyway." Frank finished under his breath. For the hundredth time that day, Gerard's heart felt like it was trying to break from his ribcage. Gerard got lost watching Frankie, so he barely noticed when he started fidgeting. 

"Gee." he said after a little while. He sounded pained. Gerard hummed. "You never, like-" he said softly. Gerard shuffled even closer into Frank's side, pressing his face into Frank's neck for a second. He could feel the shiver running down Frank's spine. That was kinda cool.

"Let's give this a try." he said, reemerging. Frank's eyebrows shot up.

"Really?" he said. 

"I want you, Frankie. I don't give a shit about other people. As long as I know, and you know, then I'm happy. If it gets too hard, we talk about it." he said with a shrug. At last Frank's face broke into a smile. 

"I promise you, Gee, It's just because of my parents- If I could I would go out right now and-" 

Gerard never found out what Frank would do, because he was somewhat muffled by Gerard's lips pressing onto his own. Frank didn't entirely stop talking around Gee's tongue. He made the odd noise every now and then. Gerard felt it vibrating in the pit of his stomach. He forced himself to stop thinking. Suddenly he wasn't so jittery. He wasn't panicking about where his hands were going, or even what Frank was thinking. He felt warm all over, but he felt comfortable. 

Like this was what he was supposed to be doing from the very start. 

Making out with his best friend in his room on a Saturday afternoon. 

 


	11. Your Hands In My Back Pockets Are All I Need

Considering their agreement to keep it quiet until the end of the year, Frank wasn't being incredibly subtle.

Gee stomped into school late on Monday. Fucking Mikey's straighteners broke and he had a complete tantrum at the top of the stairs until a stern glance from their father silenced him. Even after that he managed to waste a perfectly good twenty minutes searching high and low for a hat. He ended up wearing one which Gee was pretty sure he'd seen on Alicia the week before.

Gerard almost slept through his first class, luckily he had Ray to jab at him with a pencil whenever it looked like he was going to nod. As he shuffled to Music, wondering what he was going to do without Ray to prod him into consciousness for the rest of the day, his phone startled him; buzzing from a pocket. He sighed and pushed himself through the door to the Music block. It would probably be Mikey asking to borrow the car so he could bunk off and buy straighteners. Why couldn't the kid borrow some of Pete's? The kid had at least four pairs.

Gee slumped down onto a bench and pulled out some manuscript, ignoring his phone which was now buzzing at regular intervals. He had some composition he was direly behind on. Mikey and his hair troubles could wait.

When the bell rang and the lesson started for real, Gerard tried to keep his mind from wandering, but the notes he was scrawling down kept blurring in front of his scratchy eyes. This was a problem because it kept reminding him that his eyes were scratchy because he was tired, and he was tired because he'd stayed up late, and he'd stayed up late because Frank had stayed the night.

He sighed to himself. Nothing that exciting had even happened.

On Sunday evening, Frank cheerfully waved goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Way after dinner, winked at Gerard, and disappeared out of the front door.

A few hours later, after most of the suburban population of their street had safely drawn their blinds, Gerard heard a tapping on the basement window. It was a noise straight out of his childhood. Frank, tapping on the window the night before they were due to start seventh grade, pretending he'd run away from home. Frank on the night of a middle school dance, trying to coerce Gerard and Mikey to come and egg the building. Frank, tearstained and covered in dirt at 1am when he was twelve, begging Gerard to just let him live in the basement with him; he couldn't take it at home anymore.

And then last night. Frank, wicked grin glowing in the light from Gerard's desk lamp, brandishing the two Star Wars DVDs still not in Gerard's possession. The sight injected a pang of both nostalgia and excitement right into his bloodstream.

So now, the memory of it was seared across his mind. Frank pressed up against him, Han Solo doing what the fuck ever in the background, and Frank's fingertips making pattern's over the exposed skin of Gee's hip because he could.

Gerard sighed and dropped his pencil onto the table, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes where endless loops were flickering.

Muted space-battle noises raging under the sound of their heavy breathing.

Frank's weight finally on top of him as the last credits rolled themselves into silence.

The click of the bedside lamp Frank slyly switched off with one hand, whilst fisting the other in his best friend's hair.

Even his soft, lingering kiss when Frank disentangled himself and slipped home at the asscrack of dawn felt like it was too good to be true.

Gerard was still wondering whether the whole night had been some kind of perfect dream when he finally pulled his phone out of his pocket. A slow smile spread over his face as he read each message one by one and decided, nope, this was fucking real.

***

_Fuck God IDGAF u were so fucking hot last night  
xo F_

_Srry God I didn't mean that. Amen._

_OMG are you ignoring me u meany._

_ur in fucking class aren't u. Spoilsport._

_Fine. Looks like i'm gonna have to go jack myself off all alone in the bathroom._

_THAT WAS A JK i would never jack off in the schl bathrooms, they're gross._

_But not too gross to make out...._

_r u srsly not reading ur messages you loser._

_for real though, with last night, i've been wanting that for longer than I even knew. xoxo_

_I am ac in the Art bloc bathroom if u wanted to... u kno... just fyi..._

Gerard's phone lay face-up in the sink displaying the last few messages. It had fallen out of his coat pocket when he shrugged it off and threw it behind him in his rush to slam Frankie up against the wall. Basically no one used the Art Block bathrooms, so they made good use of the half-hour they had. Gerard didn't end up going back to Music, but when they emerged, slightly dishevelled and pink, he wasn't anywhere near the realm of caring.

He'd just had his best friend's- his _boyfriend's_ tongue in his mouth for the past half hour. If he got a detention, he got a detention.

"Frankie." he said quietly as they walked down the empty halls, maybe a little closer together than was prudent. "If you wanna do the whole low-profile-relationship thing, maybe we shouldn't... you know." he said, pointing behind him with his thumb in the direction of the bathroom. Frank ducked his head.

"Oh, uh, yeah." he said, moving over so their arms were no longer touching while they walked. "Sorry. I didn't-"

"Frank." Gerard said, more sharply. "I am not complaining, you motherfucker." he said, nudging at him, then linking their arms. Fuck it. The halls were empty. "All I meant was we're trying to protect _you_ here. Alright? I want you to be, like, safe and stuff." he said. He smiled as he saw Frank's mouth turn up in one corner.

"Yeah." muttered Frank. There was a long pause. "You're the best, you know that?" he said, lifting his head and glancing at Gerard. Gerard flipped his hair with his free hand and bent his wrist.

"Oh, I know." he said. Frank laughed, covering his mouth as they passed some Spanish classrooms, then shoved at him a little and called Gerard a brat.

"Shut up." mumbled Gerard with a small smile as they reached Frank's locker. Frank squeezed his arm before separating himself and twirling the combination into his locker. "I can't believe you still have a fucking lock on that thing." said Gerard.

Frank just smiled at him and opened the door. He reached inside and pulled out a plastic bag, from which he pulled out a packet of cigarettes.

"It's good to have a lock." said Frank, waving the packet in Gee's face. "Wanna come for a smoke?"

"Nah, my Music class is just ending, I should go get my stuff and go to English." he said. Frank pouted, but he was already pulling a cigarette from the packet and settling it between his lips. "Frank!" squeaked Gerard. Frank raised an eyebrow.

"Got a light, babe?" he said in a low voice, throwing the packet back into its bag and shoving it into his locker.

' _Babe_ ', thought Gerard. Fuck.

Frank kicked the door closed and turned back to Gee with one hand slid into his pocket, and he looked so much like one of those idiot cool-guys from some corny movie, that Gerard wanted to laugh, but the sound got caught somewhere in his throat. He reached into his back pocket, handing Frank the Smashing Pumpkins lighter Mikey had made him. Frank smiled and took it. He was about to turn when he glanced quickly over both shoulders, swiped the cigarette from his mouth and leant into Gerard's ear.

"Love you, baby." he whispered, hand brushing Gerard's waist. Gee's mouth hung open slightly as Frank drew back, sticking the cigarette back in his mouth. He was still smiling, but less cocksure, now, more familiar. Gerard noticed the pink flush working along Frank's cheeks. It made him feel better somehow. Frank brushed a lock of Gee's hair behind his ear, then turned around decisively and headed back the way they'd come.

"I'll bring this back." he shouted over his shoulder, waving the lighter above his head.

"Liar." 

That boy's going to get expelled, thought Gerard fondly, as he turned in the direction of the music block. When he reached the end of the hall the bell rang, releasing a steady stream of kids on either side of him. Gee made himself small and tried to shake off the last of the shellshock Frank had left in his wake.

***

Mikey sat on the curb with his chin on his hands. Gerard kicked at a wheel of his car and turned around.

"Engine's fucking dead, I don't know." he said. He was not a fucking mechanic.

"I think it's the battery, Gee." said Mikey in his usual monotone.

"Whatever, the thing's not getting us home."

"Fine. Call Dad."

"Mikey, Mom and Dad are in town today." said Gerard, sighing with as much exasperation as possible. Mikey rolled his eyes at him. "God, you never listen do you?" grumbled Gee.

"Okay. Chill out, Gerard." said Mikey, narrowing his eyes at his brother. We can just walk, it'll take, like half an hour at most.

"Fucking fuck." said Gerard, picking up his bag of sketchbooks and manuscript. "Fucking exercise."

They walked most of the way saying barely a word to one another. Every few minutes Mikey would ask Gerard to carry his stuff, Gerard would swear at him, and that was the extent of their communication.

Until Mikey almost stepped under an oncoming truck. Gerard swore at him then, too, but only after dropping all his stuff to tug Mikey back onto the sidewalk.

"You're a fucking moron." panted Gerard, dropping to the ground to pick his stuff up. Mikey was pale, clutching his bag to his chest and staring into space. He nodded.

"Fuck. Yeah, I am. Sorry, Gee." he said in a small voice. Gerard sighed and then nodded, getting to his feet.

"It's okay. You scared me, fucker." he said. Mikey nodded.

"Yeah, I scared me too."

From that point onward they trickled into conversation about the day. Mikey asked about Frank, and Gerard just grinned. Mikey pretended to vomit into the gutter.

"Hey, Mikes." said Gee after a small silence. Mikey nodded. "I'm sorry." he said. Mikey frowned but kept his eyes fixed in front of him.

"Why?"

Gerard thought carefully.

"I haven't been an awesome brother." he said, scuffing his shoes along the sidewalk.

"Don't say that." said Mikey automatically.

"No, I haven't. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to get like this. You're my best friend, Mikes, even when I'm an asshole."

" _Frank's_ you're best friend." mumbled Mikey. Gerard hung his head and drew in a breath.

"I'm sorry." he repeated, scrambling to reassure Mikey. "Look, I care about Frank a lot. I'm not going to lie, Mikes, okay. Don't give me a hard time about that, I know he was your friend first, but he loves you, too. It's different. I don't want to go over it again, we almost lost 6 months over that old argument." Gee said, tailing off. Mikey ran his free hand over his face and sighed. Gerard glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. "Look, I'm just saying I miss having my baby brother around, and it's totally my fault. This is me trying to fix it. I've payed you no attention the last few months. I'm sorry for being selfish." he said. Mikey blinked a couple of times and nodded again.

"Thanks for saying that, man." he said. He sounded a little strangled. They walked along for a while, then Mikey turned and caught Gerard's eye, shooting him a tiny smile. It was the Mikey-equivalent of a full body hug. Gerard beamed back and held out his hand.

"Can we start again?" he said.

"You're a fucking loser." mumbled Mikey, but he shook his brother's hand all the same. They turned onto their street, Gee smiling happily and Mikey looking bored, but contented.

"So..." said Gerard as they fought their way through the front door. "About this Alicia chick. How's it going?"

Gerard sniggered as Mikey groaned and tried in vain to lock Gee out of the house.

***

Gerard spent the afternoon sprawled on the couch, rather than sprawled on his bed downstairs. His mom tried not to act too shocked at the change of location. Sh made a point of bringing him frequent snacks, though, so Gerard expected that she was trying to keep him upstairs. He obliged. Free snacks and Tarantino on his laptop, why move? Maybe he should hang out in the living room more often.

"I'm going out." called Mikey into the kitchen as he jogged down the stairs. His mother shouted something back which Gerard missed. He pulled his headphones out as Mikey passed into his field of vision. Gee smiled to himself and gave Mikey a nod as he made his way to the front door. Mikey gave him a sheepish smile in return and gave a little salute.

"Good luck." said Gerard, quietly enough that his mother wouldn't hear. Mikey smiled wider and nodded, giving a final wave before disappearing out the front door.

***

Gee was lost in a watercolour painting of a monster springing itself out of the ocean when tapping broke his concentration. For a moment he was confused, still not fully emerged from his imagination. He blinked around and the tapping stopped. In its place came a loud bang and snapping of metal from behind him. Gerard swung around in time to catch Frank sliding himself through the window.

"Wake the neighbourhood why don't you." said Gerard, pushing his paints onto the table, casting a final glance over his work before abandoning it in favour of something, in his eyes, far more appealing.

"You know me." Frank said, dusting himself off. Gee stumbled a little bit on his way across the room, because apparently he wasn't a functioning human being. Frank didn't seem to mind. The outcome was the same, Frank and Gee all up in each others' space, which was cool.

They held eye contact for a few seconds, Gee's face in shadow- back to the desk-light. Something seemed to shift between them. He looked down into Frank's wide eyes and bit his lip. It felt stupid, but he knew it had the desired reaction when Frank half raised his eyebrow. It was some kind of question and all Gerard knew was that the answer was a resounding fucking yes. Gee slid a hand onto Frank's waist hesitantly.

"Frankie." he murmured.

"Hey." whispered Frank, lips tugging up at the corners. Gerard felt a hand on his hip and he couldn't help to look down and check if it was real. It was. Frankie's hand was resting there on the hem of his tatty Batman tee like it was the most normal thing in the world. "Is Mikey-"

"Out. With Alicia." said Gerard quickly. Probably too quickly, but fuck it. Seriously, fuck it.

"Cool." said Frank, full smile lighting his features. Gee looked down at him, watching Frank's wide eyes in the darkness. He wondered if there would ever come a time when that smile didn't bowl him over. They stood for a few moments, eyes searching each other's faces. For a stupid moment Gee felt self conscious under Frank's gaze. He shook himself out of it as soon as the thought crossed his mind. He didn't have time for that bullshit, Frank was staring up at him with those eyes, all steady... Gerard moved his other hand gingerly onto Frank's waist. He bit his lip - in concentration this time, frowning a little. At this, Frank grinned.

"What's up?" Frankie asked gently. Gee smiled and dropped his gaze to the floor, and then to his hands on Frank's waist. Everything felt so available Gee felt a little dizzy. Frank stood onto his toes to push his forehead gently against Gerard's. A reminder that they were both there together. He knew how Gerard could sometimes get spacey and panic; Frank was looking out for him, as usual. Gee exhaled slowly, wondering just when in the name of hell his life had taken such a radical turn. Frankie mirrored his breathing, like he did when he had to count to ten in his head. Gerard smiled as he wondered if he was doing just that.

Frank's piercings glinted in the low light, his lip-ring disappearing every now and again when he sucked it into his mouth. The shine of his eyes, pupils blown out in the low light. His black fringe falling over his face and sticking up at the back. Gerard wanted nothing more than to get his hands all up into it. He listened to the shake in Frank's breathing and his eyebrows knitted.

"Is this okay, Frankie?" he said, making fists in the material under his hands. He watched Frank watch him for another couple of seconds before little creases appeared around his eyes. His fucking gorgeous eyes. Gerard was reeling from jut how beautiful Frank was. In the gloom he looked pale but somehow unearthly, and way too pretty to be this close to Gerard Way. 

"This is okay." he whispered. Gerard tried not to beam at him. The urge passed quickly anyway, Frank was moving his hands on Gerard's hips, slipping one down to the waistband of his pants. Gerard blushed. He was wearing fucking sweats, possibly the least alluring article of clothing ever invented. Nice foresight.

Frank appeared not to give a shit, running his fingers just inside the band. Gerard was so taken with the feeling that he almost missed Frank leaning forwards the smallest amount. Almost but not quite. He looked up in time to catch Frank's eyes closing, and he made to close the gap between them, but paused about half an inch from Frank's mouth.

"Can I?" he whispered. Frank made a small noise which Gee couldn't immediately identify. It was halfway a laugh, and halfway something entirely more guttural than that, but he was nodding, so Gee didn't over-analyse. Finally he let himself slip his hand into Frankie's hair, running it back to his neck, bringing their mouths together gently. Frank made a humming noise and pushed himself into Gerard's chest, deepening the kiss. Gerard felt his heart hammering with every move Frank made. He let Frank push him backwards in the general direction of the bed. They paused every now and again. Gee tried to ignore the layer of fabric between his fingers and Frank's skin, just enjoying the tingling which was beginning in his lower thighs as Frank sucked on his tongue.

It was still new, and it started slow, like they were still finding their way around each others' mouths. Frank ran his hands up Gerard's back and then brought the other hand to his jaw. Gerard made a soft sound into Frank's mouth and fisted a hand in his hoodie, dragging him slowly backwards. By way of some miracle, they managed to avoid all-bar-one of the clothe piles scattered on the floor. When they did stumble, a couple of feet from the mattress, they both just laughed. Gerard met Frank's eyes and saw nothing but heat there, an expression he was sure was reflected on his own face. With a final step, Gee was sitting on the bed, but Frank kept moving forwards, kneeling over Gerard's thighs carefully.

Gerard sat there for a second, frowning that Frank's face had now fallen into shadow. Frank wasn't bothered, though, he was too busy positioning himself right into Gerard's lap. Gee smiled happily at him for a moment, reaching to run a hand through Frank's hair again. There was something addictive about the motion, and it always ended in that smouldering eye contact which Gerard kind of fucking loved.

"Hey, motherfucker." said Frank. "I'm not a dog." He shook his bangs out a little. Gerard smirked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Shut up." grumbled Frank, taking Gerard's face in his hands and kissing him harder. Gerard's fingers rested at the bottom of his hoodie, tugging in a silent question. Frank sat up immediately and shed it. Gerard sighed, eyeing Frank's muscles stretching under his tee. He closed his eyes, and took a breath. 

"This is fucking awesome and everything," said Gerard. "but like, I just wanted to check this is all cool with you. This must be, uh, an adjustment for you. Getting with dudes. Getting with me...I want you to be okay." 

Gerard hadn't actually opened his mouth with the intention of saying quite that, but Frank was looking at him with these soft eyes and now he was glad that he did. He propped himself up on his elbows and blinked up at Frank, still kneeling in his lap. Gerard tried not to think about how motherfucking hot he looked in the shadow.

"Hey, Gee." whispered Frank, leaning forward and catching Gerard's mouth in another quick kiss. "I think i'm a little less church-boy than you give me credit for." he mumbled. The noise resonated through every one of Gee's nerve endings. Frank brushed Gee's lips with his before sitting back to peer at Gerard. His eyes were still dark with intent. 

"But- uh- but you said that you were in denial about being-" Gerard cut himself off with a gasp when Frank lowered himself a few inches, brushing a little too hard against Gee's sweats.

"Never said I didn't fool around." mumbled Frank. "I mean, I put it all down to curiosity." he purred, moving again against Gerard, rolling his hips and letting his head drop backwards. Every contact point felt like a muted electric shock. Gerard swallowed. "Geez, it's like you didn't even notice me trying to jump you all the time." he breathed, lifting his head back up as if it was the hardest thing he'd ever done, then smirked at Gerard's open mouth.

"When?" he squeaked.

"I don't know specifically." said Frank, running his fingers lightly over Gerard's upper arms, tracing little circles which sent chills over his whole torso. He shuddered, but it didn't stop Frank, who continued on his train of thought. Gerard was having trouble remembering what they were talking about. "Whenever you were really drunk and I was kind of high. So, like, at Toro's parties I would try it on with you. I used to try really hard at Toro's parties actually. You gave me the experimentation speech a lot..." 

Gerard just stared at him. Well, Fuck. The breathy tone was still in his voice, but Gee thought he could hear something a little like hurt underneath. "So, you know, I went...elsewhere."

"And- after all of that- you still thought you were straight?" asked Gerard, attempting not to sound incredulous. He mentally slapped himself. Way to ruin the mood, Gerard. Frankie just laughed again, that new, low laugh which was unfamiliar, but totally doing it for Gerard.

"I told myself I was." he said. "I think I maybe knew deep down, but I did everything I could to convince myself it was all just hormone stuff." He shrugged, rolling his hips down again, Gerard's eyes rolled back, painfully aware of Frank's cock straining through his jeans. The material was rough against his lower stomach and it was driving him a little crazy, but Frank was still talking. Gee felt bad, this was a topic which deserved his full attention, but this timing was pretty brutal. 

"It didn't make me happy, you know." Frank said, looking into Gerard's eyes. He was still breathing heavy between words. Pausing every now and then to catch Gerard's bottom lip in his own. "None of the hookups really made me happy. Dudes, girls, whatever." he sighed and finally sat back, closer to Gerard's knees than his crotch, which was kind of useful. With the immediate pressure gone, he started to process what Frank was saying.

"It didn't?" croaked Gerard. Frank shook his head, hands burning holes through Gerard's clothes.

"They were either a fuck-you to my parents, or a fuck-you to the Holy-fucking-Spirit or whatever." he said, dropping his gaze. Gerard slid his hand round to Frank's chin, lifting his face back up. It was instinctive, and once he got there it felt more intimate than he'd intended, but it felt right. Frank looked shocked for a moment, then closed his eyes against Gee's touch. "I'm not like Pete and Mikey." he said. "I don't get anything out of the casual shit, and even if I did; I was doing it for the wrong reasons. I was trying to force myself into this stuff as, like, rebellion." he sighed again. "It still kind of felt wrong, no matter how many times I told myself it _wasn't_. I'm legal, I'm a teenager... like, I'm fucking allowed to have a sex drive, you know?" he said, shook his head vehemently. "Brainwashing, man." he said with a half-smile. "Fucks you up." he tapped his head. Gee caught Frank's hand in his and stared at him in silence for a long while. Frank held his gaze. The bravado was gone, but there was still a glow behind his eyes.

"I don't want to do anything to make you uncomfortable, Frankie." said Gerard. Frank opened his mouth and Gerard silenced him, placing his thumb on Frankie's lower lip. "If you feel like any of this stuff is going to make you feel shitty, we don't have to do it. This isn't just a line, we can go as slow as you like." Gerard insisted, dropping his hand.

"That wasn't what I meant." said Frank, wide-eyed expression back again. "I'm so into this." he said slowly, accenting every word. Gerard searched for a lie in Frank's eyes, or a coverup. Frank stared into Gerard's eyes earnestly, barley blinking. Another few seconds and Gee nodded.

"Promise me," Gerard whispered, sliding his hand to the back of Frank's neck and pressing their foreheads together. "Promise that if something gets you feeling bad, you'll tell me. I don't want guilt hanging over you, baby." said Gerard, eyes closed. Frank's breath ghosted over his face in little gusts. His hands clasped Gee's side like he was clinging on for his life.

"I promise." he said, turning his head and bringing their lips together hard. Every movement felt like a sledgehammer in Gerard's stomach. "But, you've gotta know," said Frank as they broke apart messily. He pressed a hand to Gee's chest, pushing him backwards onto the bed and crawling over him so they were face to face again. "That I'm feeling pretty good about this."

That tone was back. The low, rough voice which was so fucking good Gerard was throbbing with it.

"Promise me one more thing, Frankie?" Gerard panted, pressing his face into Frank's shoulder - which was still clothed, what the fuck. Frankie hummed in response, edging forward again, looking for friction. He slipped Gee's leg between his own. He hissed out a sigh as he sank down. "Promise me you won't ever mention the Holy Spirit in my bed ever again." said Gee after a deep breath. Frank barked out a laugh which tailed into stuttery giggles. His upper body went limp, flopping over Gerard as his giggles trailed into more heavy breathing. He was still rutting against Gerard's leg, there was no disguising it. Gee grinned and finally snaked his hand down to Frank's belt buckle. There was no way those jeans were staying on for another thirty seconds. He'd barely got the zipper down when Frank was squirming again, repositioning so Gerard had to reassess his line of attack. But before he could make another attempt, Frank lunged at him, spouting whispered sentences into Gerard's ear. Their chests were flush, Frank lying on Gee like he wanted to cover every inch of him. 

"No one's ever got me going like this, Gee." he breathed against Gerard's jaw. Gee almost passed out from the sound alone. "No way I could feel bad about this. Nothing could stop me right now, holy fuck. I'm so lucky. So, so lucky, Gerard. I Feel so safe with you, baby." he whispered. The last bit was so soft Gerard barely heard it, and when he did, he went still. Frank pressed a soft kiss to Gerard's neck and then peered at him nervously. Gerard was staring back, hands heavy on Frank's hips.

"You do?" mumbled Gerard. Frank's already-red face flushed another shade darker. He shifted.

"Yeah, I mean-" Gee didn't give Frank another second. He tugged him down by the front of his tee and immediately kissed him with a whole new urgency. Whenever they came up for air, words streamed from Frank's mouth like he couldn't stop them. Gee didn't have the time nor the capacity to smirk at this role reversal.

Gerard worked his way down to Frank's neck, partly so he could listen to Frank rambling, and partly because he'd recently found out that it was a spot for him. Frank sighed loudly and let his head fall back. Gerard would never admit it, but he loved hearing Frankie's endless, filthy praise. He wanted to remember this. He was pretty sure he would never need the aid of the internet to jerk off ever again, as long as he could remember just a few of these words Frank was pouring into his ears.

"Fuck." Frank moaned as Gerard sucked Frank's skin between his teeth. The monologue paused for a moment, If Gerard hadn't been busy, he might have raised his eyebrows. It sent beads of twisted satisfaction into his gut. "Fuck, I've never felt like... this with anyone." sighed Frank, shifting right back over Gerard's dick. Gee felt both of their breaths hitch. Awesome. "Fuck. Gee, you're so pretty. So fucking beautiful. Don't know how I've resisted you all this time- motherfucker. I'm never going to be- ah- able to keep m y hands to myself. You're so- You're everything to me, baby. Never had anyone make me feel this good before. All over. Inside and out. Fuck." he hissed as Gerard surfaced and took Frank's face in both hands.

"You're fucking perfect." Gerard said, almost fiercely. Frank's eyes flashed, and finally he seemed to get the memo about the clothes thing. He sat back and pulled his tee over his head in a swift movement. Gerard copied him at once, and suddenly there was a whole lot more skin involved and Gerard was concerned that he wold faint from loss of blood from his brain to his dick. "I wish you were facing the other way. You're all in shadow, can't see you." he muttered. Frank leant forwards without a word and kissed along Gerard's jaw again, finishing by his ear. Gerard made a noise almost like a whine. When exactly he'd become a middle-aged housewife, he didn't know. Whatever. His cock was completely taking charge, and he was having a hard time finding a single fuck to give.

"Too bad." Frank whispered, running his hands flat along Gee's chest, and down to his navel, where they rested for a moment. "I can see you just fine, and I kinda like the view... so... suck it up." At first Gee pouted at him, but when Frank's hands finally broke through the band of Gee's sweats and the fight left him. "Yeah. That's right, baby. So fucking pretty, look at you." breathed Frank. "Fuck I can't believe I can touch you now. Look how fucking beautiful you are, underneath me. I love the way you look, shit."

Gerard was so distracted by Frankie's speech that he barely noticed the hand running through the dark hair beneath his navel and finally grasping his dick. He sucked in a sharp breath of air through his teeth, head falling backwards. Frank made a satisfied noise.

"Frankie, you don't have to do-" Gerard said tightly as Frank edged down him, pulling Gerard's sweats and underwear with him.

"Shut the fuck up." said Frank with a small smile from the bottom of the bed, throwing Gee's sweats onto the floor. "I seem to remember you've never been given head before? I think you've waited long enough and I kinda want your cock in my mouth, so if you don't mind..." he murmered. Then Gerard's heart really did stop.

"Frankie, I love you, and I would love you to, but you don't have to do that yet, like-"

Before Gee could force out another word, Frank coaxed a long moan out of him, going down all at once. He couldn't get all of Gerard into his mouth, though, so he settled for a hand around everything he couldn't take. What Frank might have lacked in experience he made up for in enthusiasm. Gerard was writing above him before too long, to which Frank hummed and closed his eyes. It was sloppy, and maybe Frank wasn't as careful with his teeth as he might have been, but Gerard just stared down his body in awe. Frank. Had his mouth around Gerard's dick. Some annoying part of Gerard's brain kind of missed his breathless chatter , but he swatted it away.

"Now," said Frank, running his tongue over his red lips, lingering on his lip ring. Gerard thought he might explode. "If this isn't enough to convince you that I want this, then I don't know what else to do." he said, clearing his throat, all matter of fact. "I mean, I'm clearly pretty invested here. I've known dudes who shower more than you do-" Gerard reached forwards to swipe half-heartedly at Frank, who giggled and settled himself back over Gerard's cock. He paused again. "Fuck." he whispered. "So fucking big. Jesus, I've been thinking about this. I fucking knew it. Motherfucker, wearing those skinny jeans all the time, it was like torture..." Gee watched him, mouth open. He kind of felt like he might die if he didn't close his eyes, this was too much. 

Frank's breathing was growing ragged, but he didn't stop talking. Gee couldn't shift his gaze from Frank's mouth as it lowered itself, planting a kiss on his inner thigh. He lingered there for a moment, eyes closed. "Fuck, you get me so fucking hot." he whispered. "No one's got me turned on so hard without even touching me." Gerard moaned as Frank moved, running his tongue against his entire length before sucking him back into his mouth. Gerard found himself transfixed by the hollows of Frank's cheeks. He wanted to run his hands over them, but his brain wasn't making connections fast enough.

At some point, there must have been a flicker of activity up there, because Gee's hand tangled itself in Frank's hair. He just let it rest there, more as a gesture of, like, appreciation rather than anything else. The next thing he knew, Frank ran his tongue along the underside of Gee's dick, pulling off momentarily and swiping his thumb over the head before taking the whole thing into the back of his throat. Gerard moaned loudly and immediately covered his mouth with one arm. His fingernails dug into the palm of his hand as his body tried to comprehend the waves of pleasure washing over him. Frank made a noise around Gee's dick, taking almost all of him for a final time before Gee tugged gently on his hair.

Frank stayed where he was, eyes flickering open and holding Gerard's gaze until Gee scrunched his eyes tight closed and came into Frank's mouth. Frank's tongue worked around him until his cock began to soften, then he released him with a wet noise. He planted two soft kisses on each of Gee's inner thighs. Later, Gee would spend an embarrassing amount of time wishing he could have watched Frank swallowing him down. Next time.

Before Gee's brain had even started to create thoughts again, Frank ran a hand slowly over his mouth and crawled over to flop onto the bed next to him. Gerard lay, starfish-like, his eyes closed, but a small smile playing over his lips. He turned to face Frank, eyes opening and drifting down his body. He was about to reach out when Frank caught his hand.

"Thanks, baby." he said. "But you kind of made me cream my pants like a fifteen year old, so... we're good for a little while." Gerard's eyes widened and he sat up, a little wobbly on his arms still. There were so many things he'd wanted to say to Frank; ' **F** **ucking thank you** ' being high up on the list, but this news scattered the words like minnows from a shark.

"Are you fucking kidding?" he whispered, blinking at his boyfriend. _(_ his _boyfriend)_ Frank grinned up at him and rolled onto his back with an eyebrow raised. He held Gee's gaze. "I did not make you- Frankie, you did _not._ I literally didn't touch you." Gerard said in disbelief.

"Check if you want." Frank purred, then ruined his hooded gaze completely by giggling himself into a coughing fit. When he recovered, Gee was still smiling down at him like a loser.

"I couldn't help it." said Frank, throwing his arms back behind his head, not even the slightest bit defensive. He just looked happy, if a little wrung out. "Feeling you... like that. I don't know. I've only done that once before, and first time I wasn't so sure. I was stoned out of my mind though, and the other dude was a jerk, so..." Frank peered at his nails as if they were merely talking about the weather. Gerard hummed, letting his heart rate to return to normal, and flopped back down next to Frank, holding an arm out. Frank crawled over at once, plopping his head onto Gerard's chest and curling right into his side. "So?" he said, throwing a leg over Gerard's to tangle them together.

"So, what?" he asked, still feeling a little slow, and determinedly refraining from asking exactly _**who, what, why, where, and when** _ Frank blew another guy.

"So, what did you think?" Frank asked innocently, turning his face up to Gerard's, and nuzzling his neck while he was at it. Gerard grinned.

"Eh, not too bad." he said. Frank gasped and Gerard burst out laughing as Frank slapped lightly at his chest.

"Asshole!" squeaked Frankie, squirming. "Fucking best ever." he grumbled, pretending to fight his way out of Gerard's arms. Gerard whined and pouted until Frank laughed and settled back down again. "If you don't like it then you can do it yourself." said Frank, earning another few seconds of complaining from Gerard until Frank swiftly shut him up with a kiss. Gerard immediately responded. He could feel Frank smiling, and he moaned again, involuntarily, deep in his throat. Then he pulled back and mumbled something about the physical impossibilities of giving oneself a blowjob. Frank prodded him until he stopped talking. They lay together in happy silence. Gerard thought he might drift off to sleep, he was so comfy with Frankie pressed fast against him. He decided that he never wanted to leave his room again, as long as he was allowed to keep Frank and his amazing mouth down here with him.

"Blowjobs are never bad." mused Gerard after a little while. "It's like- I don't know, there's something awesome about _giving_ them, too." Frank literally bolted upright.

"How the fuck would you know?" he asked, narrowing his eyes. Gerard giggled at Frank's expression.

"I think you'll recall, I said I'd never _receieved_ one. Didn't say anything about giving one." he said, pulling a pillow from under his duvet and placing it behind his head, admiring the lines of Frank's silhouette.

"Fucking hell." mumbled Frank. They sat in silence for a few moments, then Frank shifted. Gerard's eyes were about to close when suddenly he found a weight pressing across his hips. His eyes snapped open suddenly.

"Frankie-" he said.

"Hey, baby," Frank interrupted, shifting down so Gerard could feel the hard press of his cock through his jeans and- wow- Frank was _still_ wearing fucking jeans. "Wanna maybe show me how that goes? I mean, I might not believe you're all you're cracked up to be unless you, like, demonstrate..." he said with a wink.

"I never said I was-"

"Oh my god." said Frank, rolling his eyes and slipping his tongue into Gerard's mouth. Gee eventually gave up on the whole talking thing and sighed as he felt tingles shooting through his body, getting his dick back involved pretty fast. He and Frank may not have been fifteen, but they weren't fucking eighty. Plus, whenever Gerard opened his eyes he was met with Frank's beautiful face, and his expression right now was enough to drive Gerard out of his mind. Besides, feeling Frank's hard dick against his thigh made it pretty easy to get his motor running again. "You're not awesome at taking a hint are you?" Frank smiled, stroking Gee's cheek. He leant down and buried his face into Gerard's damp shoulder, mumbling something which sounded like "Dense prick". Gee sighed exaggeratedly and stared at Frank for a moment. Before Frank could let another snarky word slip from those pretty lips, Gerard pulled him up and to the edge of the bed. 

"Shower." he said. 

Frank sniggered like the asshole he is and raised an eyebrow. Gerard stuck his tongue out and continued to drag Frank to his feet. 

"If you think I'm blowing you with your fucking cum all over the place you're fucking crazy."

Frank made another few remarks as Gerard pushed him into the bathroom and kicked the shower into action. He was still talking when Gee crowded him against the back of the bathroom door and ducked to press his mouth along Frank's neck. 

As soon as the steam began to float down over them, Gerard helped, or rather scrambled aimlessly, while Frank finally shed his pants and they stumbled into the shower. 

He wasn't going to say anything, but he had it on good authority that he actually gave a pretty fucking awesome blowjob.

Well, a couple dudes at shady parties seemed to think so. Good enough. He was willing to give it a go anyway.

Frank grabbed Gee's shoulder and dragged him back up to face-level from where he'd sunk to his knees in the burning spray. He smiled at him momentarily before pulling him into a slow kiss which hit right behind Gerard's kneecaps. They separated for a second and Gee swept Frank's wet hair from his face and grinned. 

"Fucker." Gerard murmered, running his finger down Frank's cheek.

"Thanks babe." Frank said, cocking his head and giggling when Gerard made a face at him. He was still half laughing as Gerard slid himself down Frank's body, folding his legs in the tub and settling his hands over Frank's perfect hip bones. He only had a second to meet Frank's sparkling eyes from over his chest. 

Frank looked so hot, so obscene like this; water running down into his mouth, soaking his swollen lips. His eyes were lit up with the tail-end of his laughter and Gee thought maybe he wanted to see him like this every day for the rest of his life. He briefly wondered if Frank's O-face was as enchanting as his smile. 

Only one way to find out. 

Frank's eyes glistened from under his wet eyelashes as he stared back at Gerard. His breath caught when their eyes met, and as soon as Gerard's mouth made contact with soft skin, Frank wasn't laughing any more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FORGIVE ME FOR THE BAD SMUT IT'S MY FIRST TIME  
> ***  
> Thanks for reading  
> ***  
> Mxo


	12. Thank You, Jagger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crikey after that last one I don't think I'm ever trying to write anything even vaguely smutty it just wasn't... I feel like it didn't work...???  
> Send hel p  
> ***  
> If you're still reading this I love you.  
> ***  
> Moon xo

Mikey sat in the car the next morning waiting for his brother, who was desperately trying to escape his mother's clutches. 

"Mom, I have school" he reminded her as she fussed around him, handing him an apple which he immediately put down. 

"I know, sweetheart, I just-" she stood back, holding a squirming Gerard by the shoulders. "I'm proud of you." she said, smiling at him as if he'd just announced he'd been accepted into Yale. Gerard didn't ask her what on earth she was proud about. 

"Mom!" he squeaked, shuffling out of her grasp after she planted a kiss on his cheek. 

"Sorry, honey, have a good day at school." she called as he hightailed it out of the room, grabbing his keys as he went. He grunted something in return before he slammed the front door and shuddered. 

He fixed Mikey with a withering gaze through the windscreen as he approached the car.

"What did you say to mom?" he said, sliding into the driver's seat.

"Good morning to you, too, Gee." 

Gerard fired up the ignition resignedly. Fine. He didn't have the energy to be suspicious about his nosy family. Maybe his mom just had supernatural powers. Like Mikey. It would make sense. He yawned loudly as he pulled out of the driveway. 

"Jesus, please don't crash while i'm in the car." said Mikey under his breath, pressing his hair down with the flat of his palm. Gerard ignored him, switching on the radio. Mikey wasn't finished, though. "Why are you so tired anyway? You sleep like a brick." there was a pause and Gerard caught in his peripheral vision Mikey raising his eyebrows. Gerard cursed the colour he knew was rushing to his cheeks. 

"Wait." said Mikey. Gerard shuffled around in his seat, almost slipping off the clutch as he turned onto the main road. "Wait." he repeated, sharp eyes trained on Gerard's profile. Gee blinked, staring straight ahead. "You didn't- did something happen after I went out last night?" Gerard didn't reply in time, and his hesitation was enough. Thanks for the supernatural brother, Mom. 

"Gerard!" spluttered Mikey, turning in his seat, bringing his spindly legs up and hugging his knees to his chest. "Why the hell didn't you come and tell me? Oh my god you guys totally hooked up this time, didn't you. Like, properly and stuff."

"Mikey-"

"I can't believe you didn't come tell me-"

"Mikey!" squawked Gerard. "You were out until like 3am, and if I'd come in, completely naked, just to inform you that I hooked up with one of your best friends a mere 3 meters from your room, you would have probably tried to strangle me. Plus, I doubt you were out until 3am without something going down with your little girlfriend. I don't expect you to come wake _me_ in the dead of night to tell mewhen _you_ get some action." finished Gerard. He sighed and loosened his grip on the steering wheel. Gee wasn't sure why he was getting quite this worked up over a simple question. He figured it was something to do with his mother's knowing looks over breakfast setting him on edge. He could feel Mikey staring at him, but Gee determinedly watched the road. After a small silence, Mikey turned in his seat and dropped his feet back to the floor. 

"Touché." 

***

Gerard sat happily at lunch between his brother and Frank. He was in the middle of an in depth argument with Bob about the validity of 'emo' as a genre of music. 

"If 'Shoegaze' is a genre, then 'emo' is a genre."

Gerard disagreed. His expert opinion was that it was an umbrella term used by lesser mortals who had no real grasp of music whatsoever. It was a view he'd been pushing on and off for the past half hour. Most of the table had stopped listening. Gee was too filled with a happy buzz to pay too much mind to the fact that Frank was still ignoring Bob, or that Mikey was shooting them glances every few minutes. If he wasn't so involved in his emo debate, then he would have told him to maybe _stop being so fucking obvious._

He caught Mikey over the weekend to make sure he was clear on the whole top-secret part of the operation. So far it didn't look like he'd been listening. Maybe Gee could get Frank to talk to him again. Gerard knew that Frank had spent a record amount of time on the phone with Mikey on Saturday night, so at least they'd had the conversation. Maybe one day it would sink in. 

He really wasn't too bothered. The whole group were eating lunch together with no disasters. Frank kept very deliberately brushing various body parts over Gerard, then pointedly turning to talk to Ray. Gee didn't care. He literally couldn't care less. His stomach was fizzing with the knowledge that Frank was his. He didn't care if the others weren't allowed to see it. There was something pretty fucking awesome about the little touches, and occasional glance, which were just between he and Frank. They could totally stick this out for the year.

"Here, ask Stump." said Bob determinedly, catching sight of Patrick. Gee turned around to follow Bob's gaze as he called Patrick over. 

"What's up?" said Patrick, throwing a glance at Brendon and Gabe disappearing to their table on the other side of the room. Gerard watched him, quietly appreciating Frank squirming next to him, since it resulted in Frank's entire side pressing against Gee at regular intervals.

Patrick was a pretty small dude. Gee wondered absently if he was taller than Frankie, while Bob explained their argument. Patrick frowned for a second and said 

"Umbrella term, for sure." before giving the others a nod and hurrying after his friends. He left Bob with his head in his hands and a triumphant Gerard punching the air. Mikey grumbled at him to stop acting like a fucking idiot. He was just cranky because his regular girl-posse who watched him eat lunch were focusing on the jock table today. What a blow. Gerard turned in time to see Frank shoot him a fond smile. 

"Well I, for one, am just fucking glad that's over." said Ray, reaching over Bob to grab some of Mikey's fries. Bob lifted his head and scowled at everybody before jabbing at his lunch with some violence. Mikey didn't scold Ray for stealing his food. He loved Ray. Worshipped him, or something. When they were in middle school Mikey used to follow him around everywhere. Gee would have thought it weird if he wasn't such an irregular guy himself. 

"Thanks little dude." said Ray, muffled through his mouthful of fries. "Anyway, We all still on for Friday?"

"What's happening Friday?" asked Frank, peering around. Ray frowned at him and Bob stared into space. Gerard cocked his head, then it dawned on him. 

"Oh. Guys, Frankie wasn't at lunch last week when we planned it." said Gerard, swaying into Frank's side in a kind of nudge. Frank blinked at him and then back at Ray. 

"Well?" he said. "Spill?"

"Party at mine, just the usual gang, plus maybe some of Pete's crew?"

"'Crew'" spluttered Bob into his juice. Ray scowled at him before pressing on. 

"Bring drinks and shit though, because my parents are nearly out of, like, everything. And i'm poor." Everyone nodded their agreement. The conversation took a swift turn in Mikey's direction, in the form of merciless teasing about Alicia. He barely said a word in protest, merely cast death stares from behind his glasses and munched on his lunch in the most morose fashion he could muster. Gerard smiled but didn't join in. He was happy for his brother, no matter how "misguided" their mother thought Alicia might be. 

***

The rest of the week passed in a blur of boring classes and near misses. Frank insisted on pushing the boundaries of what would get them caught. Gee protested, but never too hard. He wasn't superhuman. There was only so many of Frank's mid-class text messages he had the willpower to ignore.

Frank seemed insistent to break the rules he, himself, had set. He stuck his hand into Gerard's back pocket in the crowd between classes; dragged Gerard off in the middle of lunch to push him into an out-of-the-way bathroom (under claims of going for a cigarette); he left his shirt hang out and refused to flatten his hair back down whenever they reemerged. Gee tried to do it for him on a couple of occasions, but that always put them right back where they started. Gerard's hands on Frank's hair always seemed to gravitate to his neck, and Frankie would spin them around right back into the bathroom. Counter productive, but enjoyable.

Gerard knew, deep down, that this was their little version of a honeymoon period. He knew Frank was flagging, and soon his parents' attitude and his own mental struggle would push him back under, but Gerard liked to think that it would somehow be better now they were together. He also knew that he was hopelessly naïve in even letting the thought cross his mind, so he tried not to think about any of it at all. 

He picked Frank up from his house after school on Friday. Luckily Mikey had gone straight to Ray's, so they had a blissful half hour all to themselves in the car, in which Gerard drove over the skate-park for some privacy. As soon as the car was in park, Frank pinned Gerard to his seat, climbing over the stick shift to settle himself into Gee's lap. A couple of other cars pulled into the lot while they were making out, but Frank refused to let Gerard worry about it. He kissed him messily until Gerard forgot how to form words, let alone words of protest.

Gerard found himself disappointed that Frank's mouth was busy, like, kissing him and everything. He kind of missed how vocal he was when his mouth wasn't otherwise occupied. Gee was just wondering if he had time to reposition them in such a way that he could get Frank's pants off, when Frank pushed himself back over into the passenger seat. He gave a sly grin after wiping his mouth with his sleeve. 

"Close that mouth, baby." he said. "We've got a party to get to." Gerard realised that his mouth was, in fact, hanging open. He snapped it shut and narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend. "Later." Frank whispered, eyes twinkling with a semi-suppressed grin. Gerard made a muted noise.

"Tease." he grumbled, kicking the engine back to life. 

"You were the one uncomfortable about all those nasty, voyeuristic kids driving past." said Frank, all pleased with himself. He wasn't even bothering to hide his grin now.

"Frank it's a public place! I just- fucking forget it." he said. Frank laughed, reaching over and running a hand lazily over Gerard's cheek, then brushing some hair behind his ear. Gerard paused and then shook his head, tossing the strands of hair back over his face. Frankie snorted, holding his hands up in surrender.

"Sorry, Princess." he said. Something twanged in Gerard's abdomen. He shook himself. Best save that thought for later. "It's not my fault you have such a huge hard on for me, you know, I just-"

"Frankie! I'm trying to drive!" squawked Gerard, batting one-handed at Frank, who rolled down his window, laughter lost in the roar of the wind as they tore off in the direction of Ray's house.

***

They didn't spend the whole time together. Not until everyone was drunk, lazing around on the floor at well past 3am. As they arrived, Frank blew Gerard a kiss from the doorway, then disappeared into the kitchen. Gerard joined Ray in the living room, waving at Pete and Brendon as he went. He was coaxed into Mario Kart races, and was handed beers without asking, and for the first time in a long time he felt at ease in a room full of people. As the drinks kept coming, he sure as hell kept relaxing. He'd missed nights like this. He wondered how many more they had left.

Next year, everything was going to change. Sure, Mikey, Pete and Brendon would still be in highschool, but the others... Bob was going to mechanical school out of state, Frank and Gee had some half-ass plan to bail on this town, too. Ray was definitely going places. Hopefully he was only moving to New York though. Not too far, but just far enough.

There was no doubt in Gerard's mind that they would stay friends, keep in touch. Most of them, anyway. But he just sensed an imminent shift out of his comfort zone. As much as he tried to deny or ignore it, they were all growing up. For real now. This wasn't graduating-middle-school growing up. This was moving on, moving out type growing up, and it made Gee want to curl up and live in his mother's basement for the rest of his life. Even if they all met up on holidays, the dynamic would be different, and it was this easy dynamic to which Gee had grown so accustomed to. The familiarity would be splintered. That comfy, worn-in feeling about nights like this would dissolve and become another highschool memory. To Gerard, the thought of it was terrifying. 

So for right now he wanted to enjoy these smoky nights, surrounded by friends. School was a whole two days away, there was a countertop of alcohol in the general vicinity, and, for Gerard at least, the boy he loved was right across the room, shooting him regular secret glances from over his beer bottle. If Gerard could stay here, half way to drunk and warm inside, he would. 

Music of varying quality blasted over the speakers as the night drew on. Alicia arrived some time after midnight. To everyone's surprise, she and Mikey stuck around to hang out, rather than disappearing into a dark closet or something. Ray seemed to really like her, which put a smile on Mikey's face. Gerard watched happily from across the room as his brother introduced Bob. Frankie had disappeared again, but Brendon was collapsing onto the couch next to Gerard with two fresh beers, so he wasn't too worried. Ray called over to them both, pointing at Alicia.

"What did he say?" mumbled Brendon.

"No idea." Gerard replied, so they both just waved. It seemed to do the trick, and it sent them off into waves of helpless laughter. Patrick wandered out from the kitchen and, after pausing to chat with Alicia, Ray, Ryan, Bob and Mikey, he plopped himself down next to Brendon, brandishing a pack of cards. 

A few fairly liberal games of Go Fish later, the three of them were slumped on the floor around the coffee table, laughing at Brendon's unsubtle cheating, or Patrick's new hat, or how Donald Trump was actually being considered for office, like, what the fuck. Occasionally the TV would distract them and they would laugh at that for a while instead.

The next time Frank appeared it was along with Pete, and the unmistakable smell of weed. Gerard watched him amble over to Bob and place a hand on his shoulder gently. They exchanged a few words and seconds later, there was a grin on Frank's face. Bob laughed and patted Frank's back. Gerard breathed a long sigh of relief and leant back against the couch leg. Brendon was lying on the ground, his cards scattered over his chest. Patrick was spacing out next to Gee, their card game truly forgotten.

Ryan broke off from Ray's little group and dropped to the floor next to Brendon, curling himself against his side and closing his eyes. Gerard's slightly slowed brain let his eyes linger on the two of them for a little too long, but he finally managed to tear them away and find Frank again. This time, when he looked up, he found Frank staring back at him. Gerard lifted his hand in a little wave and grinned. Frank smiled back, waving with his glass of whatever. It looked like coke with something. A lot of something, it was a very pale brown. 

For a little while Gerard let his head loll back against the couch cushions, but he was shaken into lucidity by Brendon who was griping away next to him. Patrick covered his ears and got to his feet. 

"This," announced Brendon. "Is the fifth fucking Rolling Stones song I have heard in the last- in the last fucking five songs." he said. Ryan giggled at his slurring. Gee blinked around and smiled when he heard Beast of Burden drifting from the speakers. He glanced over at Ray's group. Gerard wondered if he'd actually fallen asleep a few minutes ago, everyone had spread out a little since he last looked their way. They weren't talking anymore. Ray was sat on the floor cradling the dregs of his beer. Alicia had her arms slung around Mikey, head on his shoulder while they swayed to the music. Patrick and Pete joined in as the lyrics began to play out. Ryan giggled as he watched them and tried to pull Brendon off the ground. When he was eventually unsuccessful, he gave up, climbing shakily to his feet alone to join the others. 

Gerard watched them dancing around the room. Pete grabbed a shrieking Ryan and pulled him close, slow dancing him over the carpet. It wasn't the easiest song to dance to. They both burst into copious amounts of laughter, but they didn't stop. Ray's fro bobbed along vaguely to the beat while Bob sank down next to him. Gee saw Frank kicking Bob's shoe in an attempt to shift him. He gave up on that pretty quickly, though, turning in favour of grabbing Patrick around the waist. Patrick fought him off without too much trouble, but he humoured him a little, singing a few lines in Frank's direction.

When the chorus kicked in, Jagger was drowned out by drunk voices shouting over the top of him. Gerard chuckled to himself when he saw that even Brendon was mouthing the words from his spot on the floor. Gee's eyes drifted up. They slid over Mikey, holding Alicia's limp arms out above her head, making her dance while she giggled into his chest, eventually fighting her arms free while Mikey sang the "pretty girls" section right at her. She slapped weakly at him in protest, eventually resorting to kissing in order to shut him up. Gerard looked away swiftly, instead he watched Pete finally let go of Ryan and turn to Patrick, who gazed happily back at him for a few seconds before Pete grabbed him and immediately started tugging him around the room in another twisted not-so-slow dance. Finally, Gerard caught Frank's eyes over the others. He held his gaze, and Frank just stood there, singing the words to Gerard. He spread his arms, beer spilling over the carpet as he moved, and pointed at Gerard when the chorus came back in, eyes slipping closed. Gerard grinned at him and began to get to his feet. He didn't get far. Barely able to pull his legs into working order, he fell backwards onto the couch. He flipped Frank off when he laughed at him from across the room, but smiled dopily as the song trailed off and Frank blew him an exaggerated kiss. Gerard caught it and pressed it to the left side of his chest. Frank bowed, then swayed a little on his feet. Ryan was there to support him, and Gerard was fighting to keep hold of consciousness. Something quiet and vaguely Nirvana-esque started playing and Gerard felt warm inside out. He'd meant to stay awake, maybe go over to Frankie, but instead, he let sleep pull him under.

Frank woke him up later. They drunkenly stumbled through the back door and into the biting night air. Neither of them cared. Frank slid his tongue into Gerard's mouth at the same time he slid his hand into his pants, and they were all kinds of intoxicated so it was sloppy and tired but so good. Gerard had no idea how long they were out there for. The next day he wouldn't remember everything that they did out there, but he remembered the feeling, and the odd detail, so that was enough. 

When they crashed back into Ray's living room, they payed no mind to subtlety. There was space enough on the couch for one, so naturally Frankie curled up with Gerard. He tucked himself into his side and over his chest, head resting under Gerard's so he could smell the cigarette smoke clinging to his hair. The tang of weed was there too, but Gerard didn't focus on that. He threw an arm over Frank's shoulders and held him close, because he could, and because they were drunk, and because no one was watching. 

"I love you." mumbled Gerard into Frank's hair, and he wasn't conscious long enough to hear a reply.

-End-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUPRISE IT'S THE END MOTHERFUCKERS.  
> ***  
> I actually had no idea I was going to end it here when I started writing last night, but I had this scene planned as my final scene and it swung around so much quicker than I was expecting. :( RIP i liked this story.  
> ***  
> If there is any kind of demand for a sequel let me know pleaaaase <3 ( I mean, there's already Bulletproof... but does that count? who knows? not me.)  
> Thank you for reading you kids are awesome. (advise me on things I need to work on I need ur help.)  
> ***  
> See you 'round, keep on keeping on 
> 
> Mxo


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